World record for traveling to Tampa via I-4 set reluctantly

A man traveling from Daytona Beach to Tampa via the I-4 interstate has set the Guinness World Record for fastest time, in spite of not even wanting to go.

“I just don’t like Tampa,” said Dr. Sven Lolowitz, originally from Chicago and NOT Tampa. “Sometimes I have to go there for business, though. It sucks. I hate that place.”

Early Thursday morning, he made the 140-mile trek in 2 hours and 12 minutes, a feat that has never been accomplished before. “That’s averaging just over 60 miles per hour, which does not seem very impressive, considering the posted speed limit for most of the way is 70”, said Edwin Kwint, record certifier for Guinness. “But this is I-4 where rarely does anybody approach a sustained speed anywhere close to 50 for any significant stretches.”

Lolowitz said, “I was actually looking forward to being stuck in at least a couple of nasty traffic snarls along the way. Anything that would delay my inevitable arrival in the ever-disappointing ‘Cigar City’, where I am definitely not from.”

Experts believe his effort was probably aided by the absence of tourists trying to get to various attractions in the lengthy stretch between Kissimmee and Altamonte Springs, which frequently results in severe traffic congestion during daytime hours. “What difference has that ever made?”, questioned Lolowitz. “This is Orlando we’re talking about, a land that defies any kind of logic or reason, ever. It’s almost as bad as Tampa, the town I don’t like and am not from.”

He said he feels a different intangible factor played a part. “I floored it to pass at least four semi trucks that were swerving randomly from lane-to-lane, just to get them behind me. Because as much as I never want to go to Tampa, I usually don’t want to die.”

Most Orlando residents are split between being awed by his accomplishment and thinking it’s a fraud.

“I want to meet this man,” said Becky Thurston. “I want to praise him. I want to learn from him. I want to have his children.”

“Man, please. There’s no way”, said Ken Miley. “I make that trip a couple times a month, at all different times of day. It’s impossible to make it in less than three and a half hours in any kind of car that currently exists in this universe.”

“You know, a few years ago, I drove to Key West for vacation and that took almost nine hours”, said Lolowitz. “Why couldn’t I set a speed record then?”