Crypto Sex Parlor Opens in Tampa

A new nightlife hotspot in Downtown Tampa is promising guests their wildest fantasies in exchange for cryptocurrency.

“I bought DOGECOIN when it was worth less than a penny,” said 19-year-old Garret “SwiftTips” DeLuce while inspecting his fingernails. “Let’s just say I’m a millionaire now.” He then rubbed his Doritos Locos dust encrusted fingers on the collar of his oversized Dragon Ball Z polo, let out a small cough while pushing his sunglasses up, then turned around to walk into the nightclub. “I’m gonna go get laid now.”

While the short-term excitement for cryptocurrency seems to have worn off, nightclub owners like Ferazi McLabenz hope to capitalize on the winners.

“Every night I learn a little more about crypto and who the big players are in the game,” said McLabenz while giving me a tour of the parlor.  “Our researchers found out that it’s mostly young nerds with all this crypto they can’t really spend without converting it and all this nonsense.”

McLabenz then walked me towards an ATM machine in the back of the parlor. 

“This ATM machine creates holographic coins which can be spent in the club,” said McLabenz who scanned his phone and printed out exactly 1 Bitcoin, he then picked up the coin which was almost ghost-like in its yellow glowing see-through appearance. “Because of the volatility of their value, these coins constantly fluctuate in weight depending on how much they are worth.”

McLabenz flicks the Bitcoin at me, but I get scared and flinch.  The Bitcoin fell through the ground and disappeared.

“You asshole! Those are worth like $40,000 today.” McLabenz got really mad at me. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know I was supposed to catch it,” I said while trying to defend myself and hopefully stay in good terms with this dude so that I can hang out in the sex parlor.

“The technology that prints out the crypto coins is still under development, so it needs to be inserted into a slot to be redeemed or it gets lost forever!” McLabenz was freaking out, I thought he was going to rip his hair off. “This place is never going to make any money if I keep making mistakes like this.” McLabenz then began frantically pacing around. “You gotta work that Bitcoin off or my partners are going to flip dude.”

I didn’t want to have to work off the Bitcoin, but after some alpha-like abusive behavior on McLabenz’s part, I reluctantly agreed to work off my debt to the sex parlor and I will be checking ID and distributing wristbands for the foreseeable future.