Florida Education Commissioner Revealed to be a Sentient Bag of Dicks

During a recent press conference, Florida’s Education Commissioner had a wardrobe malfunction and accidentally revealed that the man we all knew as Richard Corcoran was secretly a literal bag of dicks that had gained sentience and became a politician.

“Look, I know my real appearance might surprise people,” said the sentient bag of dicks. Reporters attempted to figure out where the voice in the plastic Walmart bag full of various dicks was coming from. “Behind all these dicks in a bag, there is a heart that still wants to do the right thing for the children attending school in Florida.”

Bag of Dicks Corcoran called the meeting to announce that they will be enforcing Governor Ron DeSantis ban on mask enforcement at schools.

“These school districts that are asking students to mask up will be punished,” said the bag of dicks.   “Schools need to take science out of their reasoning and start enforcing rules based on speculation and opinion.”

The meeting was called to discuss what the State of Florida will do to school districts that are requiring parents to provide a doctor’s note if they want their child to opt-out of mask-wearing.

“My children were homeschooled,” said the bag of dicks. “In my home, we taught them that the only protection they need from COVID-19 is a hearty prayer to Jesus.”

Health professionals in Florida are concerned that the current rules are hurting school districts that are trying to protect their students.

“The only thing that is hurting are my blue balls, of which I have dozens,” said the bag of dicks.  “If I hear about one more school district enforcing masks, I will personally pay them a visit and rob them of the school funding we promised them.”

Parents who believe in science are encouraged to continue masking their children, while the rest of the parents don’t seem to care about the health and safety of their children.