Sidewalk Improvements Begin On Most Unwalkable part of Tampa

As part of a transportation improvement initiative, Hillsborough county is set to receive millions in funding to add hundreds of miles of walkable pavement to the least walked neighborhoods in the area.

“It takes half an hour to walk from my apartment to the entrance to this community,” said Ellen Puggy, a recent transplant from New Jersey. “Once i reach the entrance to the community, I’m still about a four mile hike from the nearest business plaza, but there’s a Publix there and I love it!”

The sidewalks are being touted as the best alternative method of transportation for Tampa residents.

“Our buses are infrequent and any mode of transportation that is not a car or truck is too dangerous to drive on the road,” said Tampa Transportation manager Wilbur Berynuts. “My years of research have lef me to believe there is no good way to get around Tampa.”

Berynuts then led me to a storage unit in the outskirts of town.

“What I’m about to show you will leave you feeling disgusted,” said Berynuts as he opened the storage unit, revealing all the cash that the City of Tampa collected from the All for Transportation referendum tax that was overturned by the Florida Supreme Court.

“Since the city can’t legally spend it or give it back to the taxpayers, Mayor Castor decided to store it all here so that she can lay down in it like that scene in Breaking Bad,” said Berynuts.

I tried to take a handful of the cash when Berynuts wasn’t looking, but he caught it off the corner of his eye and smacked my hand.

“Mayor Castor counts this stack once a week by hand, all $500 million,” said Berynuts. “If even one dollar goes missing, I’ll lose my job and my wife will leave me.”

The City of Tampa hopes that these new sidewalks will never be used, and if they are ever damaged they will be ignored.