Rick Scott Touts New Abortion Alternative

“Today life wins!” Said Senator Rick Scott in a speech to supporters.  “Sweet precious, delicious life.” He added, followed by a direct message to women seeking abortions.

“If you are thinking of having an illegal abortion, call me and I’ll show up to eat your fetus.”  Senator Scott then provided his personal cell phone number. “Abortions are murder, but what I’m providing is a service.”

Thanks to a loophole in the law, Senator Scott claims he is allowed to eat babies directly from a woman’s womb if the umbilical cord is still attached.

“It technically counts as oral sex, but only if I do it,” said Senator Scott. “And I can’t stress this enough, Abortion IS Murder. But oral sex from me in my bat form counts as reverse-bestiality, which has no laws against it.” 

Senator Scott then demonstrated by having a recently raped and impregnated underage teen brought out to the stage.

“With Roe V Wade in place, this young woman would have to get permission from her parents, watch a video, get an ultrasound, wait a few days, pay a lot of money, and then the doctor can decide if the abortion can be performed.” Said Scott. “Now that Roe V Wade is overturned, she only has two options. Give birth to the baby or call me to come and eat it out of them.”

Senator Scott then turned into a bat, flew into the young woman’s vagina, and began eating her fetus, killing her in a very gruesome manner. He then emerged through her stomach, like that scene from the movie Alien, and then he transformed back into his human form.

“So if anyone would like me to perform this service, at no cost whatsoever, please don’t hesitate to call me at 202-224-5274.” Senator Scott stood there completely naked for a moment, then excused himself to go eat more fetuses.