South Tampa woman gets service animal

Bethany Britney of South Tampa is the new recipient of a service animal for day-to-day tasks, thanks to her father, a retired coal miner in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

“I guess it occurred to him that I have a pretty easy time of it,” she said. “So he bought me a hinder monkey.”

“She’s attractive and has a well-off boyfriend. I busted my ass my whole life to give her a good life but she doesn’t appreciate that. She gets any and everything she ever wants and just kind of skates along,” said her dad, Hal. “About time she had some struggles to overcome.”

Chester the hinder monkey is specially trained to hamper Bethany in a variety of ways.

“He hides my car keys, unplugs my phone when I’m trying to charge it, puts things up high where I can’t reach it, pees on my furniture. He smokes cigarettes. In the house!” she exclaimed exasperatedly. “The other day I woke up and he was having sex with one of my shoes. I was all like, ‘well, go ahead and keep it now, you beast.’ I hate him. Why is there even an agency that provides animals like that?”

“It’s more than just harmless monkey mischief,” she added. “Once he locked me in the bathroom and I was stuck in there for over six hours. I missed my best friend’s wedding where I was supposed to be a bridesmaid.”

“Do you think anybody believed me when I told them I was locked in my bathroom by a chain-smoking monkey??”

“Eeeeee! Eeeeeee! EEEEEEE!” responded Chester.

“Sounds like that monkey is doing a great job,” said Hal. “Remind me to send him some bananas and a carton of 305’s.”