How to spend Christmas

It’s Christmas Day and somehow, you’ve gotten here without making plans for what to do. Don’t worry, we’re here to help. Here’s every way there is for you to spend Christmas if you don’t already have plans. 

1. Be with family and friends, all the people who love and cherish you

Yeah. Okay. Sure. If that was an option, you wouldn’t be reading this article and I wouldn’t have written it. 

2. Go to a strip club

Realistically, this is not only your best option but your only one. Alone because you’re ugly or worthless or both? You are going to love strip clubs. A strip club is like The Island of Misfit Toys, except it’s not an island and instead of misfit toys, it’s unlovable men. 

You may have never experienced one of these places because you were under the mistaken impression that you held some sort of value to other people so let’s answer some of your questions before you go…

“I’m a woman; can I go to a strip club?”

Yes. Because: hot. 

“Aren’t strip clubs by nature kind of sad and pathetic places in that they exist to prey on desperately unfortunate souls who don’t know that they’re desperately unfortunate and who are trying to fool themselves into believing that they’re enjoying themselves?”

No. Many of them aren’t desperate; they’ve given up. 

“What if they’re not open? It is a holiday, after all.”

They’re open. Don’t worry about that.

“How much money should I bring?”

What do you think is enough money? [x]? Yeah, I can see why you would think [x] would be a good amount of money to bring to a strip club. [x] should be enough money to have a good time anywhere. 

Well, it’s not. Bring more. Bring double. 2 X [x]. That’s still probably not enough but it’s a start. Don’t worry about what [x] represents; you’re going to regret spending whatever amount you think [x] actually is.

“What should I wear?”

Whatever you want. You want to look like a gentleman who has his life together? Go ahead and put on a suit. Just know everybody there is going to see through that and see you as the sad little man that you are. Also just know that they’re going to see you as that no matter what you wear. The point is you’re at a strip club on Christmas. You’re not going to impress anyone. 

“Will I meet someone nice and fall in love?”

Oh yeah, that happens all the time.
No you idiot! That doesn’t happen for you outside a strip club, why would you think it happens inside? Manage your expectations. And by “manage”, I don’t mean “lower”. I mean “abandon”.

“Should I be drunk?”

Absolutely. By all means. See: the note above about impressing people.

“This all sounds really cynical and bleak.”

It IS cynical and bleak. Mostly bleak. But it beats even more bleak alternatives because it keeps you around so you can prolong your existence and continue to consume resources and spend money, provided you didn’t blow it all at the strip club.

Above all else, just remember no matter what you’re going through, there will always be someone to tell you that they care about you, because doing that makes them feel good about themselves.

Hey, Merry Christmas!