St. Petersburg submits bid for earthquake

St. Petersburg mayor Ken Welch announced this morning that on behalf of the entire Tampa Bay region the City of St. Petersburg has submitted a bid to host a major earthquake at some point in the near future.

“We want a good one,” he said. “At least a six or seven on the Richter Scale. None of that onesie-twosie bullshit.”

He went on to say, “We already have hurricanes and tornados. Why should California have a monopoly? Plus, the region has hosted five Super Bowls, a men’s Final Four, several Stanley Cup Finals and even a World Series. Uh, yeah, I’m pretty sure we’ve proven we can handle big events.”

Asked the simple question, ‘why?’, the mayor replied, “Mostly because we’ve never had one and the exposure would be tremendous. Secondly, the resultant, catastrophic property damage might be beneficial in resolving certain problematic real estate matters.” He then pretended to cough, “Tropicana Field” before saying “Excuse me,” and concluding his remarks.