Gunn Highway Rebranded as Machine Gun Highway
Following the beautification of Tampa’s most well-driven road, Gunn Highway will soon be rebranded Machine Gun Highway.
“We want to keep the spirit of the original name, but commemorate someone more famous,” said Steve Odyssa, the Mayor of Odessa. “This isn’t an official title, no one elected me to this position, I tell people I’m the Mayor so I can get free pancakes at IHOP.”
Named after the former Hillsborough County commissioner, John, T. Gunn, Gunn highway has served as the cultural vein of an area of Tampa that has experienced tremendous neglect from the community.
First paved in the 1930s, Gunn highway has provided an assortment of roadside delights such as Sonny’s BBQ and a Walmart that is no longer open 24 hours.
During my lunch date with Mayor Odyssa, we discussed the positives of changing the name of Gunn Highway in memory of the musician Machine Gun Kelly.
“The artist performing emo songs and hooking up with Megan Fox is going to be the next MLK,” said Odyssa. “That John T. Gunn guy is old news, and with my plan, we’re going to rename most of the streets in Tampa to things that are more relatable..”
Mayor Odyssa says the people of Tampa will soon be driving down streets like Focker Ave, instead of Fowler Ave, and Beers Ave, instead of Bearss Ave.
“I love the movie ‘Meet the Fockers’ much better than the original ‘Meet the Parents’ and ‘Bearss’ already sounds like someone asking for several beers, so why not just update the name?” continued Odyssa. “The way I see it, people aren’t going to be doing much driving five years from now anyway, so what does it matter?.”
Odyssa explained that the future of transportation will come abruptly and the billions we have spent on infrastructure will be worthless in a couple of years.
“Electric cars were just the beginning, batteries are gonna keep getting smaller and propulsion technology mixed with quantum computers is going to give us the ability to teleport,” said Odyssa as he suddenly became more unhinged.
The self-proclaimed Mayor of Odessa then began shouting for a waitress to bring more pancakes to the table. I began to get a little weirded out but I wanted to see if they would bring us more pancakes.
The waitress brought us more pancakes but at the end of the meal, she dropped off a check.
“Well I can’t pay for this,” said Odyssa.
“I thought you said it was free!” I said, throwing away any journalistic integrity I had left.
“Well, you’re going to have to foot this one kid,” said Odyssa as he slid the bill toward me and began to make his way to the exit.
Commuters around Tampa Bay are encouraged to begin calling Gunn Highway, Machine Gun Kelly Road, in preparation for the upcoming sign changes.
