Florida residents united in annoyance

Residents throughout the state of Florida woke up at 4:45am this morning after receiving an alert on their cell phones from the Florida Division of Emergency Management.

“THIS IS IT! THE DRAG QUEENS ARE COMING FOR OUR GUNS! BURN SOME MORE BOOKS!!” screamed Tim Wigsworth of Brandon upon hearing the unsettling tone from his phone.

“DEAR GOD, THOSE RIGHT-WING LUNATICS HAVE LAUNCHED THEIR NUKES AT THE POLAR ICE CAPS!!” screamed April Mittleton of St. Petersburg, awakened by the same noise.

“Oh wait; it’s not even one of those stupid Amber Alerts?!? WTAF???” they both said simultaneously, in full agreement with one another on something for the first time ever while approximately 35 miles apart and at opposite ends of the political and cultural spectrums, expressing the exact same level of aggravation at beginning their day in such a manner.

The message was actually a test of the state’s emergency alert system.

“TEST – This is a TEST of the Emergency Alert System. No action is required.”

– Florida Division of Emergency Management

“Yeah, right. What about the action of changing the underwear I just soiled?” said Mark Tobbler of Tampa.

A couple of hours later, the division released a statement via Twitter saying that the alert was something of a mistake:

“Oh cool. They used a smiley emoji. Cute!” said Lisa Slibbins of Clearwater. “Assholes.”

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis weighed in, stating, “I’ve ordered Florida Division of Emergency Management Director Kevin Guthrie to bring swift accountability for the test of the emergency alert system in the wee hours of the morning. This was a completely inappropriate use of this system.”

It’s believed he was especially annoyed because he had been in the middle of a particularly pleasant dream about turning Walt Disney World into an internment camp for Black people.

In related news, Google reported a sudden, intense surge in the search for how to silence emergency alerts.