Tragedy strikes at Busch Gardens

An unspeakable disaster occurred at Busch Gardens in Tampa on Wednesday when a tourist from Louisiana jumped into an alligator enclosure for the sake of getting views to his TikTok account.

“We did everything we possibly could,” said fake Busch Gardens spokesperson Barbara Turtleton. “Unfortunately, he emerged from the enclosure completely unscathed. He’s going to be just fine.”

“This was a golden opportunity to rid of the world of an ‘influencer’ and we blew it,” she said. “All of us. But mostly the alligators. Really expected more out of them. At any rate, we’re sorry that we let everyone down.”

Eyewitness Harold Stribbins, visiting with his family from Illinois said, “It was horrible, just awful. It all unfolded like it was slow motion. I remember screaming, ‘Get his ass, alligators!’ and my 8-year-old daughter cheering them on next to me. But he just climbed right out the way he climbed in. The ‘gators didn’t even nip at him.”

“Our vacation is ruined,” he said.

The man, whose name is not being disclosed here because he’s an attention-seeking, clout-chasing douchebag, posted the video to his approximately one small handful of followers yesterday because of course he did.

The same idiot was seen in Ybor City harassing people who also missed the opportunity to inflict physical harm on him.

“We value the safety of our park guests, staff and animals a great deal,” said Turtleton. “That’s why that particular exhibit, filled with American Alligators that are up to 15′ long and weigh over 1,000 pounds is separated by two fences.”

“But never underestimate the resolve of an asshole, I guess,” she added.

Regarding the park’s emergency measures, she said, “As soon as we heard the enclosure had been breached we sent a crew of handlers there to assist him in getting out. After walking as slowly as possible, stopping to smoke a cigarette, they arrived to find out to their dismay that he had gotten out on his own.”

“Don’t get me wrong; if this had been an accident and someone worth saving had ended up in there somehow, we would have spared no time whatsoever in getting there to help. But usually, nature has a way of resolving situations like that one, if you give it time.”

Reached for comment, one of the Busch Gardens alligators said, “We ain’t eatin’ that shit. Dispose of your own garbage.”