Tampa club relaxes membership requirements, disappoints long-time member

Burt Loaph of Tampa is a proud member of Krystal’s Breakfast Club, but claims the club has deteriorated in quality recently.

“I don’t know if I can say I’m a ‘proud’ member anymore,” he said. “The club used to be better. A lot better.”

Krystal, an American regional fast food restaurant chain headquartered in Dunwoody, Georgia, with restaurants in the Southeastern United States and Puerto Rico, known for serving small, square hamburgers with steamed-in onions, offers “membership” in their Breakfast Club to customers who download the Krystal app, which entitles them to discounts of up to 25% off breakfast menu items (before 11am).

“Yeah, now that’s what it is,” said Loaph, from a table at the Krystal located at 2625 W. Hillsborough in Tampa. “Now that diversity and inclusion efforts have lowered the standards, pretty much almost anybody with a phone can get in.”

“No, it is anybody with a phone,” said Mary Blockburn, a corporate spokesperson with Krystal. “Yep, just have a phone and download the app. That’s all. And an appetite, of course! Ha ha ha!”

“It’s heartbreaking for those of us who remember when it was good,” added Loaph.

Loaph elaborated, “Back when it meant something to be a Krystal Breakfast Club member, we had meetings, ID cards, rings, a secret handshake, leather jackets, code names, medallions and sacred rituals. We drank from goblets and the only way you could even be considered for membership was if you had an ancestor who was one or if a member of congress appointed you.”

“I don’t know what he’s talking about; we just launched this promotion in February and none of that was ever part of it,” said Ms. Blockburn. “Maybe Mr. Loaph has us confused with Wendy’s?”

“At any rate, as a legacy member, he should know to keep his fucking mouth shut about club business.”