Everything You Need to Know About the Seven Tampa Bay Billionaires
Forbes magazine, which exists for the sole purpose of being referenced in any discussion of finance and rich people, recently released their list of billionaires for 2024, and that list includes seven men who reside here in the Tampa Bay Area.
They are Ronald Wanek, Robert Duggan, Eddie DeBartolo Jr., Todd Wanek, son of Ronald, Todd Christopher, Kenneth Feld and Thomas James. You don’t need to know anything else about them because there is exactly zero chance of you ever crossing their paths because they’re never going to come and buy socks or hash browns at the Hoof & Hash or whatever dumb place you work in order to make a living.
Anyway, here’s some fun facts about them even though you don’t need them:
They make more money in 10 seconds than you will earn over your lifetime. I don’t know if that’s the exact math but I read something like that somewhere and it seems right.
Women love ‘em. I haven’t seen pictures but you know they all have girlfriends, wives or both.
They’re all straight. At least they have to present that way. Can you imagine how people would freak out if they found out there was such a thing as a gay billionaire? We’re talking about the same people who freak out when a sports team hosts a Pride Night. You know, the ones who would say something like “sexual orientation shouldn’t matter” but followed immediately by, “Augh! Where’s MY billionaire?!?”
Obviously they’re all men. White men. See above. What are we even talking about here?
Their wives and/or girlfriends are smokin’ hot. Again, I haven’t seen any pictures but see above also, kind of.
They all own boats. Because of course. All rich people own boats, even the ones who aren’t billionaires. I think you’re required to have at least one once you’ve reached some certain level of wealth.
Sometimes they question if they’re truly happy. At the end of a hectic billionaire day of making more money than you, away from the wife and/or girlfriend(s) for a few moments, they gaze out over their vast, immaculately tended empire filled with every creature comfort a straight, white man could ever provide himself, and they think, “yes, but am I really, truly, deep in my eternal soul, happy with this life?” And then he pushes a button that summons the guy that brings him hash browns on demand and says, “I will be, as soon as the hash browns get here.” Then he feels angsty for about 30 more seconds, during which he wonders, “when will Raul, with his buttery dark skin and sinewy muscles get here with my hash browns?” before there’s a gentle knock on the door that is from the hash brown guy with the hash brown delivery and not some annoying, gold-digging beard and he’s fine again.
