Professional Slap Fighter Legally Classified as Idiot
Roscoe Rostro, a self-described professional slap fighter from Pinellas Park, is the first state-certified idiot in Florida.
“I put the PIN in PINELLAS and in PINHEAD,” he said groggily as he raised his arms in triumph.
Rostro is considered a major contender on the slap fighting circuit.
“The kid’s good. Real good. He can really stand still and let another grown man slap the shit out of him,” said Larry Chandleton, a local disgraced former sportswriter who covered boxing and current slap fighting analyst.
“Slap fighting is a rapidly growing sport where two robust fighters take turns slapping each other in the face, and seeing who can survive the longest!” – SlapFight.com
“While it’s tempting to automatically label that concept and anyone involved in the activity at any level as ‘idiotic’, that’s a subjective opinion. Until now,” said Phil Murgerson of the Florida State Idiotic Diagnostic Bureau (FSIDB). “Interestingly, by official state standards established by Governor DeSantis, it’s the exclamation point at the end that elevates the statement from ‘really, really stupid’ to ‘idiotic’, not calling it a sport.”
“We examined Mr. Rostro recently and he’s definitely stupider now after a few of these bouts… legally, I don’t think I can describe them as fights… then he was before, which is hard to imagine,” said Dr. Shannon Smithley, a representative on behalf of the FSDIB. “Because, Jesus, what an idiot. Medically speaking.”
“Unfortunately he does not qualify for benefits under the Americans with Disabilities Act, such as eligibility for accessible parking privileges due to the fact that he chooses to participate in this activity of his own volition,” said Dr. Smithley.
”I mean, look at him: he’s wearing an official slap fighting t-shirt,” she added. “They make official slap fighting gear? And somebody buys it??”
“And that’s idiotic, but not handicapped,” added Murgerson.
Asked what purpose this official designation serves, Murgerson shrugged and said, “If someone wants to hire Mr. Rostro for a job, this allows them to legally discriminate against him. Idiots have no special rights for being idiots.”
The FSIDB is a state government funded collective appointed at the request of Governor Ron DeSantis in order to officially determine what is or isn’t stupid. Murgerson said that an obligatory investigation into the organization itself is currently ongoing.
