Florida Makes Plans to Spend Extra $32M
Following Florida Governor Ron DeSantis’ decision to veto all state funding of any arts programs, the state find itself with an extra $32 million windfall.
“Budgetarily speaking, this is the equivalent of finding an onion ring at the bottom of your bag of fries,” said Florida state budget department representative Leo Kostko. “Well, more like finding 32 million onion rings.”
His department is currently exploring other areas where that money can now be spent.
“Don’t worry, unlike The Arts, it’ll be things that benefit everybody, not just a few Wokes,” he said.
Among the areas getting serious consideration:
- A new shoe lift factory in Ruskin
- Licenses for Drag Queen hunters
- Appointment of a committee to repeal Juneteenth
- A matchmaking agency that hooks up short fat politicians with hot women
- Gun brunches: Where guns read books to children
- Retrofitting public buses by removing all seats except the ones in the back
- All-you-can-eat crawfish cafés
- Homosexuality rehabilitation centers where they turn gay people into guns
- Mandatory removal of all French-sounding items from restaurant menus
- Pudding finger training facilities
- Straight Pride festival
- Confederate flag sewing classes
- Targets with silhouettes of children on them for police training
- Drag racing, where racists drag Drag Queens around a track by their hair
- One big-ass gun to scare away immigrants
- Art Museums Replaced with Guy Singing Country songs
- Public basketball courts for white people, featuring 8’ high rims
- Comprehensive list of all condos about to collapse
- Immediate removal of all red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo and violet crayons from every day care center, kindergarten and grade school classroom
- Mandatory gay divorces
- Neighborhood crime watch patrols designed to stop kids from doing wheelies on their bikes
- Disney tickets for straight kids
- Monetizing Cruelty on Social Media classes added to all public high school curriculums
“Oh yeah, we should be able to do all that stuff and have a nice surplus we can use for year-end bonuses,” said Kostko, running numbers on his abacus. “Suck on that, St. Augustine Film Office.”
