Olympics Closing Ceremonies Altered to Appeal to Americans
After many Americans misinterpreted elements from the summer Olympics opening ceremonies in Paris, France, as blasphemous and therefore unpatriotic plus “too French”, a focus group was convened in Tampa to assess drastic revisions to this weekend’s closing ceremonies for the games.
“Okay, we have now devised a program that is, let’s call it not-as-challenging, and is now titled ‘Jingle Jingle Brilliant Brilliant’ which is French for ‘Jingle Jingle Shiny Shiny’ and it will be hosted by a friendly stuffed rabbit named Bruno,” said event producer Jean Claude Marcel-Pierre. “We were going to have a stuffed giraffe but one of the earlier groups said the word giraffe sounds ‘aggressively French’ and ‘elitist’.”
The first person from the Tampa group to offer feedback was Marcia Jamband of St. Petersburg who said, “I think it would be better if it was called ‘Shiny Shiny Jingle Jingle’.”
When asked why that slight difference would matter, she replied, “Just fucking change it.”
Robert Cheesetray of Tampa said, “Considering this is still French, wouldn’t it be better if your host was a frog? Get it? You know, a frog!”
After ignoring the thinly-veiled cultural slur and making a note on his clipboard, the producer outlined the show’s content, which will now consist largely of shadow puppets, peek-a-boo and someone jingling a chain of keys. One aspect of the presentation that was nixed due to negative feedback from the group was an exhibition of “I’ve got your nose”.
“One thing we don’t want to see any more of is foreigners coming over here and taking our noses,” said Plant City’s Craig Milque. “Or staying over there and taking them. Whatever. The point is STOP TAKING OUR GODDAMN NOSES!”
