Weather Tite Mike Flies Into Blind Rage

(Editor’s note: This report came to us in an email from someone identifying themself as David ‘The Admiral’ Robinson. While we can’t confirm this came from the former professional basketball player who played for the San Antonio Spurs in the National Basketball Association from 1989 to 2003, and is now a minority owner of the Spurs, we also can’t confirm that it isn’t. It could just be from a guy named David who owns a boat. Typically, we don’t accept and publish unsolicited submissions from readers but we also reserve the right to do whatever we want.)

Weather Tite Mike, whose long-running television commercials for Weather Tite Windows feature his catchphrase, “and don’t forget the cookies,” flew into a blind rage Monday when yet another customer seeking a quote on hurricane window installation entered his place of business without cookies.

For several hours beforehand, employees had heard an audibly sobbing Weather Tite Mike talking to himself behind his office’s closed door saying, “What’s the point? What’s the point of any of this? I had a plan! A solid plan!”

The first customer of the day was chatting with a sales associate in the window showroom when, witnesses say, a visibly hyperventilating Weather Tite Mike exited the office and made a beeline across the sales floor.

“You forget something, lady?,” a profusely sweating Weather Tite Mike shouted at the customer in his real voice, a high falsetto, when he reached her.

“I’m sorry?,” the woman responded.

“What brought you in here today?,” a violently shaking Weather Tite Mike said. “Maybe you saw a commercial? That ring a bell? Maybe you happened to be watching Jeopardy, between the second half of the Jeopardy round and the Double Jeopardy round, right between the commercial for Prevagen and car accident attorney Dan Newlin? And you saw this face right here saying don’t forget the goddamn cookies! I had a plan for my life, you know. Paying for cookies was not a part of that plan.”

The woman explained that she was not familiar with the commercial and that she’d actually found the business by asking ChatGPT where she should buy windows.

“What? What the fuck?,” a clearly sidetracked Weather Tite Mike said. “Why wouldn’t you just use Google? Anyway, what was I talking about?” Then he stared at the ground and rubbed his head.

Another employee apologetically explained to the customer the whole “don’t forget the cookies” gimmick.

“I’m supposed to bring you cookies?,” she said. “Wouldn’t it make more sense if you guys had cookies here, and it was, like, a treat to draw customers into the store?”

“Fuck,” a slightly salivating Weather Tite Mike shouted toward the ceiling.

“Also, these windows cost like $20,000,” the woman added.

“That’s the point,” a fully re-engaged Weather Tite Mike said. “You’re here. You’re rich. You can afford the cookies. Gahhh, forget it. You think I wanted any of this? I was going to dance. Gahh, forget it.”

A visibly erect Weather Tite Mike was later seen practicing pirouettes in the cookie aisle at a Clearwater Publix.