Thursday, after being named Time magazine’s “Person of the Year”, President-elect Donald Trump visited the New York Stock Exchange where he shared this heart-rending anecdote about the economic struggles of a woman who probably exists:
“I tell this story about a woman who, an old woman, an old woman, no money, went to a grocery store, had three apples, she put them down on the counter, and she looked and she saw the price, and she said, ‘Would you excuse me?’
And she walked one of the apples back to the refrigerator and came back to pay for the two apples and she left with two apples. And the woman at the counter said that was so sad.” – President-elect Donald Trump
This was an effective, timely and relevant message to send because most of the people at the New York Stock Exchange are only familiar with people who can’t afford whatever they want as mythical characters in allegorical tales of folklore they were told by elders to frighten them as children.
“… so mind your school studies lest ye grow up to be someone who has to eat apples.”
More importantly, it brings to light a serious problem that the Woke lamestream media is not covering…
WE’RE OUT OF APPLES!
That’s right. You not only can’t buy three apples; you can’t even buy one because there aren’t any! I know; I checked!
Three apples sounded like a dandy idea for lunch so I patronized my local Publix yesterday to pick some up and the refrigerators were barren. Sure, there was stuff like cheese and milk and eggs and bacon but they were devoid of apples!
I demanded an immediate audience with a manager to query, “say, what gives?” and he said, “sir, fresh apples aren’t…” and I ran away before he could finish his sentence with “available any more because of something Biden did.”
Panicked, I went to four other Publix’s and looked in all the refrigerators only to discover the same sad circumstance at every one. Not one apple in any refrigerators.
I grew up when apples were available in abundance and stories like the one President Trump shared were the exclusive province of lackadaisical schoolboys hastily concocting book reports in the back of school buses on the morning the assignment was due, not from duly elected government officials addressing stock brokers, back when America was a proper country. The Father of Our Great Nation, Abraham Lincoln was elected the first President largely on the strength of his legendary exploits of chopping down apple trees so every refrigerator could have some! If not for him, Jackie Robinson would probably have never won multiple World Series titles for the Yankees, which is how we kept Japan from winning the Korean War.
How do you like them apples, Tojo?
I weep for the bleak, apple-less prospects facing our children and their children and the ones who come after that and I pray that Great Leader Trump will find a way to bring apples back to our refrigerators and relegate bacon to the bread aisle where it belongs.
Lemur J. Fitzmuggins III is actually the fourth person in his family to be named Lemur J. Fitzmuggins. His grandfather, who would have been the second, rejected the mantle outright, choosing to be known simply as Trish. Lemur III graduated with a Masters in Pomposity and a Minor in Bombast from Hillsborough Community College. He serves as an Irritant-In-Residence for Tampa News Force.
