Straz’s Post-Election Party 70% More Fun Than Castor’s

Wright’s Gourmet House – Hillsborough County – Wednesday 4.24.2019

In spite of losing the Tampa mayoral run off election by a staggering margin, David Straz’s post-election party was still more fun than the soirée thrown by winner Jane Castor.

“I’m a bajilionaire! Did you think we weren’t going to party tonight, no matter what?” asked Straz as he tossed a yacht on to a roaring bonfire. Straz who spent nearly $5 million on his campaign only to lose by 73% of the votes, claiming only 7 of the city’s 103 precincts, appeared to spend even more than that on his party.

“The gift bags have helicopters in them,” attendee Sheila Van Hooverdorf squealed with delight. “And I don’t mean some shitty radio-controlled toy drone from Boost Mobile or whatever. I’m talking a fully equipped Bell 407GXi complete with a Portuguese pilot!” At that point, a man named Raoul in a captain’s hat and aviator shades saluted and climbed into the chopper.

Meanwhile Jane Castor’s party, held at The Vault in downtown Tampa, was a more low-key affair, in spite of the jubilant mood resultant from the decisive victory. “They had crab puffs, mini quiches and Cuban sandwiches. Pretty good. Not bad,” said Castor backer Jake Psurpness before asking, “is the Straz party still going on?”

Straz, who rented out Busch Gardens and brought in busloads of impoverished orphans to watch all the rides run with no passengers on them, seemed to take the crushing defeat in stride. “You call it a post-election defeat party, I call it a pretty typical Tuesday night”, he said, as he fed caviar to a giraffe.