Top 5 Places to Shut the Fuck up

There are many times in life where we all need to learn to shut the fuck up, but today we want to go over the top 5 places that specifically call for people to shut the fuck up.

5. Comedy Shows

If you’re at a comedy show, shut the fuck up. It’s not your time to talk. Unless the comedian invites you to participate, don’t. It upsets others. And usually the comedian as well. Depending on what’s going on in the room, sure sometimes it might be ok to make noise, like if someone is choking and needs medical attention. Or you’re trying to order the macaroni and cheese with bacon, and the server didn’t hear the bacon part, so you need to say it a little louder real quick. If you have the urge to talk, just excuse yourself for a little bit, then come back in after you’re ready to shut the fuck up.

4. Library

If you’re at the library you’re not supposed to talk because it disturbs people who are trying to focus on reading. This is not the place to be loud. If you want to be loud, you should go to some place that allows stuff like that. Because a library, is not the place, nor the time, to do that, no matter what time it is. Even if it’s late and nobody’s there, or if it’s early, the same condition applies. Some people might want to talk to you at the library, they’ll say, “Hey, excuse me, do you work here?” And you don’t because nobody who works at the library is really walking the isles doing stuff. Or are they? I haven’t been to a library in like 16 years. Oh man, maybe I shouldn’t say that out loud!

3. The woman’s closet your hiding in when her husband comes home

She said she was divorced and you met at the tourist tequila bar. She’s all, “Yea, I have a big mansion and whatever you want to do, I like to party!” So you’re thinking, “This sounds great!” You go to the house, shortly after you’re there, you hear a car pull up, she rushes you into a closet, a guy with a hand gun runs into the house, cocks it, screams, “Who’s car is that!” She screams, “It’s my gay friend! I swear! He’s gone down to the bodega to get some hard cookies!” Then you have to silently watch from the closet, as they get intimate, and you need to wait for your moment to slip out when he’s in the bathroom. This is definitely a moment when you need to shut the fuck up.

2. Church

Whether it’s Corinthians or Leviticus, there’s no bad verse to read from the scripture of Christ. When you do it in public, and the pastor asks for you to bow your head in prayer, it’s assumed you kind of close your eyes and think about whatever the thing is you’re praying for. You’re not supposed to yell the score of the Maple Leaf’s game from the top of your lungs. The house of God is not the house of gab. Do not come to church hoping to talk a lot, unless it’s after the service or during the “peace be with you” part. Those are times for talk, but inside the church during the service, I’ve been told, you’re not supposed to speak unprompted.

1. Movies

Are you watching Avenger’s Endgame? Did everyone around you pay money to enjoy a movie? Did the woman who’s closet you hid in just walk in with your pastor? Oh boy, this is weird! Movies are the most important place to shut the fuck up because there’s a lot of subtleties in cinema, and one wrong sneeze could destroy an entire plot line. There’s not much leeway for reiteration in movies. If you miss something, you might go the rest of the movie never knowing the truth. That can really upset people, and ruin what-would-be a special experience with a loved one. So you try to get up and leave the movie without the woman and your pastor noticing you, but what happens the second you stand up? You guessed it, they notice you immediately. The pastor yells to you, “Hey!” You want to tell him about the guy with the hand gun, but you don’t want to have any  involvement in this situation going on, so you’re kind of just like, “Hey!” And give a wave back while trying to cover your face and keep walking out, then right as you exit the theater doors, you turn the corner and who do you see, but the guy with the hand gun, and he has no idea that you know him, he sees you, goes, “Have you seen this woman?” And holds up a picture of the woman, and she looks much younger, and she’s sitting on a green sports car, but it’s a color that isn’t standard so you think about how she wound up interacting with a car like that, and you say, “I haven’t seen that woman,” And he runs off, and goes past the theater you just came out of, letting you breathe a sigh of relief knowing that maybe he won’t find her and nothing bad will happen to the pastor or the woman from the tourist tequila bar. Anyways, don’t get involved in violent situations no matter what the context unless it’s self defense or somebody deserves it. And it’s up to you to decide who deserves it. Ok, no that sounds bad, not just up to you, how about this, if you can get 12 people to vouch and say, “That guy deserves it,” then you’re legally allowed to duel him in some fashion to work things out. Sometimes all we really need is a physical release and once that energy’s out, your mind calms, and you see things from a more logical standpoint. The point is shut the fuck up when you’re not supposed to be talking. Again, unless something causes you to do otherwise, it’s a really hard statement to quantify. Don’t talk in movies. Goodnight!