Florida Private Prison Enacts Anti-Body-Shaming Policy

Hillsborough Private Prisons – Hillsborough County – Friday, 6.21.19

A privately owned and operated prison in Florida is enacting new guidelines to discourage body shaming between the prisoners and guards.

“I’m in here because I’m real bad,” said Rudy Pootie, “I used to get made fun of a lot, and it hurt my feelings, and when my feelings get hurt…other people get hurt.” Pootie then grabbed at me from across the table but was stopped by three guards who came up and tased him.

“My bad I thought you were making fun of my man tits,” Pootie said apologetically.

About ten percent of the prison population in Florida is held in privately owned prisons. The prisons have owners who accept money to incarcerate criminals, mainly minorities.

“We have no incentive to keep criminals in these buildings,” said Private Prison Warden, Vallory Umbridge. “I wish the government paid me to hold stuff that didn’t talk back and wasn’t so mean.”

Umbridge gave me a tour of the private prison.

“This is the wall that I have the prisoners repaint over and over again,” said Umbridge, pointing at a wall that had a row of prisoners repainting it. “We need that government money to continue these art classes for the kids.”

“Don’t you mean prisoners?” I asked.

“Yes prisoners,” she confirmed with a wink.

“What does the wink mean? How many children do you keep here?” I asked trying to get an honest answer from her.

“There are no children here, only bad adults and kids who try to do bad things while pretending to be adults,” Umbridge took out a stack of cash and threw it in the air. “You see this cash, this talks. You,” she pointed at me, “You’re trash, and the world will soon find out journalist are scum and deserve to be in places like this for publishing lies like the one you are trying to trap me in.” She was now inching closer towards me with several guards behind her wielding batons.

“Please let me go, I won’t publish anything I swear!” I dropped to the ground and pleaded with the warden, but she kicked me in the mouth.

“No you’re going to publish something alright,” she waved at the guards who began to drag me out of the prison. “When you get back to your office, let everyone know there is no body shaming happening in my prisons. I get a nice kick out of that.”

While I was being dragged out of the prison I definitely heard prisoners body shaming each other, no word yet though on what will be done about it.