TNF Horoscope: First Week of July

By Maggie Hyde | June 30, 2019

Horoscope for June 30 to July 6, 2019

Are the stars quietly whispering your future, or are they violently yelling about your past?

This is the week you will finally try crystal meth.

Don’t let anyone tell you seltzer is a subpar beverage.

You are overflowing with joy and new ideas. You are glowing. Also you’re pregnant. Congrats!

The stars definitely see snakes in your future.

Fear the ocean. Its murky depths hold secrets untold and also sharks.

Listen to the hobo on the corner. Whatever he tells you to do. Don’t question it.

One word: alcohol.

You will develop a fatal allergy to bacon. Eat as much as you can before it strikes.

As our country celebrates its independence this week, you must also become independent. Divorce your parents and throw your phone down a storm drain.

You are going to hell in a basket, Aries. At least make it a pretty basket.

Haha. Good luck. That’s all we got to say.

Remember: bears don’t play games.