Attractive streetwalker sighted on Hillsborough Avenue

Hillsborough Avenue – Hillsborough County – Sunday, 8.4.19

For what would be the first time in over 30 years, a prostitute that could be considered physically attractive has allegedly been seen walking the streets of Tampa. 

“I couldn’t believe it,” says Seminole Heights resident Stephanie Powers who reported the sighting. “It was near the intersection of Hillsborough and 15th. She got out of a Chevy Silverado. Nice hair, pretty face, cute outfit. She strolled about 100 feet and then a guy driving a minivan pulled over. She hopped in and they took off.”

Tampa historians say they’re eager to confirm the sighting, as no one locally has seen a good-looking streetwalker since the late 80s. 

Dr. Jimothy Flagbottom of the University of South Florida says, “There was a time when it was common to see so-called ‘working girls’ of all races, genders and varying degrees of physical beauty in Tampa. On Nebraska Avenue from Fletcher all the way down to Cass Street and on Hillsborough east of 275 out to 50th Street. Then crack became an epidemic in the early 80s, followed by meth and opioids and everything just fell apart. Pretty soon, it was just a handful of ugly old men in dresses staggering around, offering sexual favors for $5 a pop, or what may as well have been old men. Either way, they aggressively abandoned any pretense of basic hygiene, let alone any cosmetic enhancements.”

One can’t help but wonder what happened to all those glamorous Ladies Of The Evening in four inch heels, fishnet stockings, exotic make-up and gold hot pants from the good ol’ days. “Most likely scenario is they’re all dead, wrapped in garbage bags and buried in unmarked, shallow graves around town. It’s not exactly the kind of career one retires from,” said  Flagbottom, taking every last drop of fun out of it, adding for no good reason, “Also, most of those ‘ladies’ were definitely transvestites.”

He says it’s possible, even likely, that the hooker Ms. Powers saw was an undercover cop or worse, an actress playing a character in some douchebag’s independent film. “Pimps are terrible in terms of exploiting human beings but independent filmmakers are truly garbage,” he said. 

“If, and I stress IF, this is a legitimate sighting, I give it three weeks before the subject in question looks like five miles of bad road with hepatitis potholes and chlamydia speed bumps,” says Flagbottom. 

With that, he tucked a $5 bill in his shirt pocket, grabbed some zip ties, a handful of garbage bags, a shovel and said, “Well, off to do my research!” He walked away whistling a cheery little tune.