Hard Rock Casino adds arm wrestling

Seminole Hard Rock Casino – Hillsborough County – Thursday, 8.15.19

The Seminole Hard Rock Casino now features 24-hour arm wrestling tables, where gamblers can go against each other, or the dealer. Professional bodybuilders have been hired to arm wrestle on behalf of the casino. Odds are 1-1, so if you put up $500, you can double that, or lose $500 arm wrestling at a casino. 

There are no limits to how much you can wager per match, and if patrons lose all money, they have the opportunity to do a “last chance hand” match, where they can get a free wager of $500, however they must give up their hand as collateral if they lose. Meaning that, if a player wagers their hand then loses, that hand becomes official property of the seminole hard rock casino, and they may do whatever they please with that hand, including surgery, and destruction for incitement of pleasure.

“We love the idea.” Said Sam Spark, division chair for the casino’s public outreach program.

“People come in all the time and want to gamble without money, or they lose all their money and want to keep gambling, and we haven’t had a solution. Now we do!” Sam claps his hands.

“Now we can take their hands!” He looks at his hands.

“These things are gold right here!” Sam said. “Watch this!” Sam starts kicking up dirt from the floor onto his desk. “What the hell am I doing right now!”

Sam is able to kick his desk over, spilling the contents from his desk all over the floor.

“That’s what they act like after we chop their hands off!” Sam says.

I get up and leave Sparks’ outdoor office and make my way into the casino main floor to get my own scoop.

There’s nothing but a whole bunch of winners totally rocking out in every capacity. Happiness and joy flows throughout the room like the pulsing of an electric heart. Rainbows and sounds fill the room in a harmonic melody. Smiles and gratitude radiate. Then 5 minutes goes by and I’m down $6,000.

“How the hell did this happen!” I scream.“Everything was so great!”

I see the arm wrestling table. “I guess this is it.” I say “Time to put my money where my mouth is…” I pause and look at my hands.

“Here goes nothing.” I say.

The dealer is a very strong man and immediately wins.

“Shucks.” I say.

Right as the man with the hand harvesting device walks out, I notice it’s my roommate. 

“Oh hey roommate!” I say. “I didn’t know you worked as a hand harvester at the Hard Rock.”

My roommate responds. “I do! I started working here a couple weeks ago.”

“I didn’t know that.” I say.

“Well I guess this is it.” He says with a chuckle.

“Yea, I guess.” I chuckle back.

Suddenly the lights shut off and a giant tiger leaps through the doors of the casino floor.

“Oh my f***ing God!” Shouts the pit boss, who’s immediately struck down by lightning for using the Lord’s name in vain.

The tiger is ripping up the tables as people shriek with gleeful fear.

“We’ve gotta get outta here!” Shouts my roommate.

“Uh huh!” I nod.

We begin crawling on our hands and knees under ravaged tables as emergency lights flicker, being popped one at a time by the interested tiger, batting the bulbs like a cat with a feather. 

The tigers eyes lock onto our shuffling feet.

“Run!” I shout.

The tiger takes flight from the crystal chandelier it’s latched onto, speeding towards us like saber-toothed bullet, my roommate struggling with the door handle to the outside.

The tiger lands right at our feet, and begins speaking. “I can feel your aura young warriors.”

We’re both stunned.

“I can feel your presence and power and I have been sent here from the other realm to protect your souls, you were just about to lose one of your hands in an arm wrestling gamble, and it wasn’t time yet for that to happen, so I had to make sure it didn’t.”

We’re still in shock.

“Now get outta here guys! Don’t say I never did nothin’ for you.” The tiger disappears in a whirl of a faint blue portal.

“Wow that was insane.” I say to my roommate.

“Yea, that was.” He says. “Now let’s go home.”

We walk out of the casino doors changed men. We reflect on our pasts and ponder how we can keep our futures bright. We begin to wonder what our cosmic purpose is and when will our spiritual awakenings occur? Was that it, just then? Are we now different than we were before? What is the meaning of life?