Porch pirate dressed as “Ghost of Tampa Past” busted in Seminole Heights

A man who tried to disguise himself as “The Ghost of Tampa Past” has been arrested for attempting to steal a package from the porch of a home in Seminole Heights.

Gregory Baghonutz was apprehended in the act when Celeste Marzapan opened her front door just as he was picking up a box that had recently been delivered. 

“When I confronted him, the first thing he did was yell ‘Boo!’” Says Marzapan, a work-from-home barista and expectant mother. “Then he launched into this story about how he was the first of three ghosts that would be visiting me to teach me ‘the true meaning of Tampa’, whatever that is. I called the cops and kept him talking until they arrived. I’m white, so it didn’t take long.”

Baghonutz, a 48-year-old self-described used-copper salesman who lives right next door to Marzapan and steals stuff from her property all the time, was wearing an orange replica Lee Roy Selmon Bucs jersey and a Hulkamania bandanna at the time of his arrest. 

Marzapan said he then launched into a long diatribe that she couldn’t tell whether he had rehearsed at length or improvised on the spot. “He said, ‘I’ve lived in this neighborhood since you could tell what time it was by which tranny hookers were strolling by. You new (white) people don’t appreciate the history and culture of this area, and for that, the spirits have decreed that you must pay with whatever is in this Amazon box’. It was kind of crazy but pretty impressive,” she said before adding, “And for what it’s worth, it’s a breast pump.”

Upon learning what was in the package, Baghonutz seemed both disappointed and relieved. “I was really hoping it was a pair of Bluetooth headphones. I could turn that around for at least $30”, he said. “I don’t know anybody who would give me $10 for a titty milker, especially without the titties, so maybe this is for the best. Merry Christmas!”