Tom Brady changes mind, “Bay smells bad”

Quarterback Tom Brady, has changed his mind about coming to play for the Buccaneers after taking a tour of Bayshore and declaring that he, “Didn’t like the smell.”

“It smells like rotten fish.” Brady said.

“Kind of like a big fart mixed with old seafood.” Brady continued.

“I really liked everything else I had seen, my old teammate Gronk mentioned how much he loved South Howard because he could smash his head through windows and nobody cared. He’s one of the best tight ends I’ve ever played with. He’s not my favorite one I’ve ever played with though, there was another…” Brady trailed off and looked into the distance.

Brady claimed the bay smelled so bad that he’s just going to retire.

“It’s really not worth it for me to even try to go back to playing football again after having to have smelled that otherwise beautiful bay. I got a house right down the street and I didn’t realize how intrusive that pirate parade thing is, but there’s no way I’m going to subject my family to that on an annual basis, so it’s for those reasons, I’m going to take my talents back up north to wherever the fuck I’m from.”

Then Brady got into the basket of a hot air balloon that was powered by Antonio Brown spitting tequila into a charcoal grill.

The city wept as Brady floated off into the ether to enjoy his perfect life for the rest of his life. 

(Just kidding Tom, we love you! And we’re so happy you’re here! We think you’re going to love Tampa and we’re proud to be the new home of your go-to satire comedy website. Can’t wait to meet you at our yearly Gala!)