Physician offers tips on how to talk to children about Covid-19

Krem Bregulz, owner and head physician (“Sure, it’s technically legal to say that. Yeah, use that. That’s good,” he says) at the Doc-In-A-Box Pain Clinic behind the Checkers on Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd. in Tampa has some suggestions on how to explain the Covid-19 pandemic to small children.

“This is a very confusing and stressful time for everyone. Imagine experiencing it as a toddler”, he says. “There are ways to help them through this.”

I sat back to listen to him explain. “Okay, for starters, there are children who are just becoming self-aware right now. For them, this reality they’ve been thrust into is the only one they know. They don’t know why they can’t go outside and see things or meet people, they just know they can’t. At this age and stage of their emotional development, as far as they’re concerned, they are the center of their own precious universe. They’re simply unaware what else exists. So they’re walking around the house, naturally curious, and they come across a picture of you and your spouse at Disney World. ‘Where is that, daddy?’, she asks. You say, ‘Oh that’s Disney World. We went there on vacation before you were born, sweet pea.’ ‘Oh, it looks so beautiful and fun! Can I go to Disney World?'”

“It is VERY important how you respond to this. Remember, the child is curious and relates everything to their own personal existence. So you say, ‘Nope. You can’t go to Disney World’, and it is fine to say this because it is the truth. The child, not being cursed with the burdens of cynicism and general negativity, may try to push the boundary and ask ‘Maybe someday?’, to which you should answer, ‘No. Never.’ so as not to inspire false hope and keep expectations manageable. That way, if it DOES happen someday, hey, pleasant surprise! With certainty, the child will ask ‘Why?’ and to this, you should respond… any way you want to because you’re the adult in the household. You pay the bills and put food on the table and shouldn’t feel like you have to be interrogated by something that doesn’t know the difference between a dog and a cat because they’ve never seen either one. Feel free to mention that you’re cooped up with their incessantly whining ass like a prisoner and their constant badgering isn’t exactly helping your piece of mind, and it would be great if they would just shut the hell up sometimes. You had a life before all of this! Jesus!!”

I told him that something about this advice didn’t sound quite right and asked if his clinic ever actually treats children and he replied, “I don’t really ‘treat’ anyone; this is a dumpster behind a fast food restaurant across the street from an actual hospital. You want some french fries?”