Top 5 Things to do in Quarantine

• Jerk off

Jerking off is one of the easiest things you can do when you have nothing else to do and are stuck at home. It feels good, it doesn’t cost any money, (internet if you prefer visuals/audio), we don’t know if there’s really any lasting negative mental effects because we’re stupid and can’t seem to figure out how we really work too much yet. I mean we’ve got doctors and genius people, but you know what I mean.

• Read

Reading is something you can do when you can’t go outside. It’s like jerking off for your eyes. It makes your brain visualize things based on the arrangement of words and the creation of sentences. Syntax paints whole pictures in our mind and sets a scene in your head. Unless you’re stupid. Then you can’t visualize things because you haven’t tapped into your imagination.

• Fight 

You’re stuck at home, you can’t get much physical activity outside, you’re surrounded by people you hate, might as well try to get some exercise out of this unfortunate situation, fight your family and friends. Exerting violent force on another is exhilarating no matter what the circumstances. Raise your BPM by getting into an altercation with whoever’s around you during the lockdown. Is it only your kids? Even better. They’re easier to win against.

• Sex

Do you have a significant other or enough money to hire an essential sex worker? Then have sex with them! Physical workout, mental stimulation, everyone’s happy (usually.) Again, very low cost depending how conventional your relationship is according to the New Testament, so it’s a good sustainable activity. There’s always more to do so it shouldn’t get boring if you continue to expand your mind and experiment. If you have a house full of people I recommend fighting the kids first so the home clears a bit so you can have space to yourself for sex.

• Plot

Talk about all the things you’re going to do after the quarantine. How you’re going to be rich and successful and popular now.  How you’ve recognized where you went wrong before and you’re going to change things for the better and take life by the horns. Talk about how you have these business ideas that now you can really put the time in to develop now that there’s no distractions. Talk about what you would do if you were the president because you’re smart and you have the background to make accurate claims about large political motions. Spending time talking about everything you can do that you probably won’t is a very time-consuming activity, and the more you do it, the quicker the lockdown will end.