Satan petitions God to end pandemic; starts collecting signatures in Tampa

As we come to the halfway point in this clusterfuck of a year we’re calling 2020, an unlikely hero emerges and from the depths of the underworld of all places. 

Yes, Satan himself is here to save us all from Coronavirus. Satan is visiting Tampa this week collecting signatures to petition God for an end to the pandemic. I sat down with the Dark Lord to get all the details on this shocking turn of events. 

I met Satan at a HART bus stop just outside University Area Transit Center in Tampa as he requested. Satan was looking well, wearing sunglasses and cargo shorts. 

“So, Satan, why did you request to meet here? We have air conditioning inside?” I said, trying to break the preverbial nearly melted ice. “Oh I’m almost chilly. That’s why I chose to start collecting signatures in Tampa, I’m used to the heat. And I chose a bus stop because well…. If you want a get a blowie from a hooker with no teeth, I heard this is the place.” I shurgged my shoulders in agreement. 

“So why are you’re calling for an end to the pandemic? I sort of thought you’d be in to petulance and such.” I asked. 

“Well I’m generally down for a plague but this shit is ridiculous. Everyone is stuck at home and when you’re stuck at home you’re not out sinning. It’s kind of hard to covet your neighbor’s wife when you’re stuck inside.” “Touché” I replied. 

“Besides, bars are closed, strip clubs are closed, casinos… Even churches, where the hell are people supposed to sin?” Satan asked making a really good point. 

“Churches?” I questioned him a bit surprised. “Yeah, church goers are some of the worst fucking people out there. Smiling to your face and putting a knife in your back. Psh, not even Jesus is on board with today’s church crowd.” 

“Really? You’re telling me that you and Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior are friends.” I asked. “Fuck yeah, me an’ JC hang all the time. I mean I haven’t heard from him in a couple weeks because I played the word crucifixion in words with friends for a triple word score and he said it was in poor taste but C’mon” 

“So what’s the game plan for the petition?” I asked. “Well I figure if I can get like 5000 signatures in Tampa that God might take notice, he does love the beaches here, maybe he’ll call this whole thing off.” Satan replied. “I think you’re really coming through for humanity Satan.” I said with tears in my eyes. 

“Damn it!” Satan said looking at his watch. “It’s been 30 minutes and I haven’t seen a single prostitute.” I then met his glance, took off my mask and unbuttoned his cargo shorts. Don’t judge me fuckers, 40 dollars is 40 dollars.