Pinellas County authorizes ‘hipster’ beards in lieu of masks

Sick and tired of people complaining about why they can’t and/or shouldn’t have to wear face coverings to prevent the spread of COVID-19, health officials in Pinellas County have offered an alternative.

“You don’t want to wear a mask? Fine. You don’t have to”, says lead health official Dr. Goonay Guego. “As long you have one of those crazy hipster beards.”

Guego says the option is available to anyone who doesn’t want to wear a face mask, even those who can’t grow facial hair of their own. “You just have to wear one. Get a friend to grow one, cut it off and give it to you. Steal one from someone in a coma. Who cares? Get a beard and wear it,” he says.

He made sure to mention that not just any beard will qualify. “We’re not talking about a Five O’Clock Shadow or a couple of days worth of sexy stubble. It’s gotta be full-on circus sideshow-worthy.”

When asked if this was merely a punitive measure designed to shame people who are opposed to wearing masks for whatever reason, he replied, “I can see why people would think so but that’s actually not the case. These beards are so thick and gnarly that nothing can get past them. Whether it’s piece of chewed food or bacteria-laden micro particles, it winds up in those beards, it stays in there.”

Questioned about the fact that the nose and mouth remain open when someone has a beard, he added, “Oh yeah, I forgot to mention; it has to include a mustache. Abraham Lincoln or Amish styles aren’t going to cut it. Mustaches are even more disgusting than beards. A virus trapped in a hipster’s mustache will beg for death.”

One local charitable organization, Locks For Lethargy, is already stepping up and offering to grow beards for women, dogs, Asians and prepubescent males of all kinds.