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Casinos start betting on school shootings

Shootings Odds

Casinos across the country have started accepting wagers on when and where school shootings will take place. Depending on how close to the time and location your bet is, will determine your payout. “For example, you could place a bet on something as general as January in Minnesota.” Said Jackie King, manager at Black Jackies…

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Supreme Court plans to overturn 13th amendment

13th Amendment

A leaked document has revealed that the Supreme Court justices plan on voting to overturn the 13th amendment and legalize slavery in America once again. The leak comes shortly after the previous explosive leak, claiming the justices would soon be overturning Roe v Wade, criminalizing abortion. “I can’t believe it, but I can.” Said Ted…

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Babies will be given guns at birth

Baby Gun

In an effort to end mass shootings, all babies born from now on will be given guns immediately at birth in an attempt to breed an evolution of humans with guns built directly into their bodies. “By familiarizing newborns with guns, we’re hoping to ultimately have a race of humans born with guns already in…

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Hillsborough Ave wins world record for most consistent traffic

Hillsborough Award

Hillsborough avenue has won a Guinness world record after having the most consistent traffic for 20 years straight. “We’ve never seen anything like this anywhere in the world.” The Guinness representative said, motioning towards the road. “There has been traffic on this road 24/7 for 20 years straight and no one seems to really understand.…

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10 sex positions guaranteed to ruin your relationship

Sex Positions

WARNING: This article contains explicit language some may not find suitable for children, so if you’re reading the daily TNF articles to your children, now would be the time to skip this one, and let them watch TV for a few moments while you read this on your own. Sex is a very powerful intimate…

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Doctors begin vaccinating fetuses

Fetus Vaccine

A new Pfizer vaccine specifically designed for use in vitro has been released and put into practice, vaccinating babies before they leave their mother’s womb. A syringe is inserted directly through the woman’s fallopian tube which, reaches the baby, vaccinating it, and protecting it from Covid before it’s delivered. “It didn’t hurt, and I’m happy…

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Paid parking spots in Ybor cause spike in suicides

Parking Suicide

“It’s all we had left.” Read the last words of a note left behind by Trina Daniels, a resident of Ybor City. The new pay-to-park street spots in Ybor have been tied to dozens of recent suicides according to the final words of the unfortunate victims who succumb to the new depression of government greed.…

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Abortion bar opens in Seminole Heights

Abortion Bar

A new establishment in South Seminole Heights named “Suckers” has opened, touting its option for woman to receive an abortion while they have a drink at the bar. “The ladies sit right at the counter, and while they enjoy one of our fresh squeezed alcoholic daiquiris, below the counter we have certified medical professionals sucking…

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Homeless man turned out to be Jesus Christ

homeless jesus

Eye witnesses confirmed that a homeless man on 7th avenue in Ybor was in fact the son of God, Jesus Christ, the messiah. “This is exactly what I was afraid of.” Said Ed Edeneddy. “We were walking back from one of those loud bars where drinks are expensive and it cost a lot to sit…

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Mentally challenged CEO makes expensive mistake

Dumb Exec

Bourbon Grandelson, CEO and co-founder of Newton’s Bulges, a company which increases the size of a mans bulge in his pants through a plastic shield technology, has committed a costly accident after accidentally ordering 15,000 units of a bulge model made from the wrong material. “I was supposed to order the standard molten plastic with…

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