Posts by John Jacobs
Doctors begin vaccinating fetuses
A new Pfizer vaccine specifically designed for use in vitro has been released and put into practice, vaccinating babies before they leave their mother’s womb. A syringe is inserted directly through the woman’s fallopian tube which, reaches the baby, vaccinating it, and protecting it from Covid before it’s delivered. “It didn’t hurt, and I’m happy…
Read MorePaid parking spots in Ybor cause spike in suicides
“It’s all we had left.” Read the last words of a note left behind by Trina Daniels, a resident of Ybor City. The new pay-to-park street spots in Ybor have been tied to dozens of recent suicides according to the final words of the unfortunate victims who succumb to the new depression of government greed.…
Read MoreAbortion bar opens in Seminole Heights
A new establishment in South Seminole Heights named “Suckers” has opened, touting its option for woman to receive an abortion while they have a drink at the bar. “The ladies sit right at the counter, and while they enjoy one of our fresh squeezed alcoholic daiquiris, below the counter we have certified medical professionals sucking…
Read MoreHomeless man turned out to be Jesus Christ
Eye witnesses confirmed that a homeless man on 7th avenue in Ybor was in fact the son of God, Jesus Christ, the messiah. “This is exactly what I was afraid of.” Said Ed Edeneddy. “We were walking back from one of those loud bars where drinks are expensive and it cost a lot to sit…
Read MoreMentally challenged CEO makes expensive mistake
Bourbon Grandelson, CEO and co-founder of Newton’s Bulges, a company which increases the size of a mans bulge in his pants through a plastic shield technology, has committed a costly accident after accidentally ordering 15,000 units of a bulge model made from the wrong material. “I was supposed to order the standard molten plastic with…
Read More5 ways to tell you’re from Tampa
You ate at Wawa for breakfast, lunch, and dinner the last 6 days. If you think Wawa is an acceptable place to eat 3 times a day you are from Tampa. You cut the front of the I-4 line You’ve realized that you can drive directly to the front of the line to merge with…
Read MorePostcoital man wins presidency
A man in Westchase who just finished having sex has been nominated the president of the United States after an overwhelming write-in effort from supporters. Ted Clazinsky, ran on a platform of clear minds and clear thoughts, unfettered by sexual desires, won the popular vote with %65 of voters choosing him. “Yea, I just had…
Read MoreBaby born with mask on
A Polk County woman gave birth to a baby born with a Covid mask on after she claims the child was conceived while both parents were wearing masks. “We made love while wearing Covid masks because we were in the back of a subway car in New Jersey and you had to have them on.…
Read More“Let’s go Brandon” becomes illegal to say in Florida
The political slogan “Let’s go Brandon” popularized by a news reporter who mistakenly identified a “f*** Joe Biden” chant as “let’s go Brandon”, has been made illegal by Florida legislation. “After the ‘don’t say gay’ bill was passed and we realized we could make words illegal, we decided to go after the phrase ‘let’s go…
Read More10 things your child might like
Cars Children like cars, they like to imagine driving them, they make noises when they pretend to drive them. It’s a heavy favorite amongst boys and girls, everyone enjoys transportation-based imagination. Birds Kids like animals, birds are specifically intriguing because they can fly so it adds an element of excitement because it can do something…
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