Posts by John Jacobs
Ron DeSantis sucks d**k to prove he’s not gay
Governor Ron Desantis has made headlines again after publicly giving a blow job to a man during his last press conference to, “prove once and for all, that I’m not gay.” After relentless cyber-bullying, accusing the Governor of being gay, DeSantis decided to take matters into his own hands by bringing a male sex-worker to…
Read MoreTrans person not that mad about being misgendered
Trishelle Albeta, a female who was born male, was accidentally misgendered at a 7-11 attached to a Chinese restaurant in Riverview, but was not offended. “I get it, I look kind of like a man still, I’m not that great at make up yet.” Said Albeta, while peeling a banana and taking a large bite…
Read More“Don’t say incest” bill passes in Florida
The Family Togetherness Act, also known as the “don’t say incest” bill has passed in Florida congress with a vote of 4-3, making it illegal for teachers to mention incest in any government school building. The bill which highlights issues of families struggling with incestual relationships between parents who were born brother and sister who…
Read MoreInternet actually 32 people with 20 million accounts each
The internet as we know it has been exposed as being consisted of no more than 32 individuals who each control 20 million accounts, to create the appearance of an enormously populated entity. “Yea, not that many people actually use the internet, it’s all us, you just don’t realize it because you’re stupid and you…
Read MoreThe ocean gets cancelled
After an estimated 4.5 billion years of existence, the ocean is being cancelled on social media after a large group of people have continued to point out the atrocities the ocean has committed against humanity. The “Cancel the Ocean” movement has gained 65,000 digital signatures which means it has forced The White House to consider…
Read MoreApple adds abortion emoji
Due to abortions’ increase in relevance, the new Apple IOS update will include 16 new emojis, including 3 abortion ones. The head of Apple’s iPhone emoji development team, Jack Kingoff, was quoted in a public relations meeting saying, “People need better ways to communicate delicate issues going on in their lives, and we’ve created the…
Read More“All you can abort” buffet opens next to Supreme Court
An “all you can abort” buffet has opened next to the Supreme Court in protest of the overturn of Roe v Wade, which, for a flat fee, offers people, “as many abortions as they want in one sitting.” The business is meant for larger groups such as bachelorette parties or kickball teams, where for a…
Read MoreGiselle, “I forgot to do ritual for Lightning”
Giselle Bündchen, super model and wife of Buccaneers Quarterback Tom Brady, has admitted that she forgot to do a ritual for the Tampa Lightning. “I’ve been so busy doing rituals for my own family and my husband that it just slipped my mind.” She said. “I’m sorry, I know if I had just placed a…
Read MoreTom Hiddleston to headline Okechobee Festival
Tom Hiddleston, the famous actor popular for his role as Loki in the Marvel universe, has signed on to headline the upcoming Okechobee festival. While it’s not clear exactly what his act will consist of, rumors are that he will be DJing. The rumors began after Hiddleston uploaded a video of himself using turntables during…
Read More6 colors of the rainbow you didn’t know existed
Blorange Yurple Gred Blhite Rellow Vurqois
Read More