$1.3B Raised for Multibillionaire During Mid-Life Crisis Telethon

A fundraising telethon has raised over a billion dollars to benefit a 53-year-old little boy named Elon who is apparently going through some things.

“Poor Elon. He does so much for the world and what does he ever get back in exchange? Nothing,” said telethon organizer Patricia Phlegmsworth of Dunedin. “Aside from an ever-increasing personal wealth of over $244 billion, of course.”

“Of all the courageous, rebellious billionaires out there, he’s easily the most courageous and rebellious, and all he does is fight on behalf of the little people like me. I can see why he would feel unappreciated and that even having a whole bunch of money wouldn’t compensate for that,” said Larry Purtz of St. Petersburg, one of the many hourly wage earners who donated hard-earned money that could have been more effectively spent on something else. “I sure hope this gift of even more money helps.”