Tampa Man Chews Off His Own Arm in Frustration 

Gary Nuschwanz of Tampa, frustrated to the point of exhaustion by something and wanting attention for it chewed his own arm off earlier today at International Mall. 

“Aargh! You know what?!? Biden…urgh… Trump… grrr…Harris…hyork… just… ah, fuck it!!” he yelled as he started to gnaw his right wrist.

Once he got through the skin, gristle, muscle and bone, he dropped to his knees and screamed skyward, “Are you happy now?!?”, while waving his bloody right stump around.

“I’m afraid you’re going to see more displays like this”, predicted local sociologist Brunson Thurber. “That’s because people feel ignored and frustrated and frankly, you in the media have done a very poor job of representing them. They just want their voices to be heard and they feel like they are running out of ways to express themselves.”

“Think about it; what haven’t you seen someone do on Tik Tok? At this point, even the most outrageously flamboyant behavior is just a blur of background noise. Self-mutilation as a form of expression, in spite of obviously being detrimental, is an extreme-yet-logical next step,” he said. 

“For instance, watch this,” he said as he poked his own eye out. “Now, of course I instantly regret doing that. But at least you paid attention to me for a second.”

At that point, he continued talking about stuff but there was this great video of kittens playing with a Rottweiler on Instagram so I tuned out.