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If You Think Everyone Hates You, You Could Be Right

By Lemur J. Fitzmuggins III | September 14, 2024




Do you ever have a completely unreasonable belief that someone hates you? Well, just because there’s no reason for something doesn’t mean it isn’t real.  

I hate you.

“But why? You don’t even know me,” you ask. “Also there’s nothing about me to hate. I’m not unique or special in any way whatsoever!”

I hate that about you. But don’t take it personally; I hate everyone equally. Except I hate you more. 

Here are just a few examples of how I hate you:

Do you enjoy country music?
I hate you.

Do you enjoy hip hop music?
I hate you.

Do you enjoy music?
I hate you.

Are you on your phone right now?
I hate you. 

Are you voting for Harris or Trump or somebody else or not even voting at all?
I hate you.

Do you not return your grocery cart when you’re finished with it?
I hate you.

Do you think you’re an exceptionally good person because you do return your grocery cart when you’re finished with it?
I hate you.

Do you ever just sit quietly, minding your own business and not bothering anyone?
I hate you.

There’s more but I don’t have time to list everything I hate about you. As you may have guessed at this point, it’s not your problem, it’s mine. Except it is your problem because you are the one who’s being hated. 

”Well, you sound like one of those people who’s miserable about everything all the time and nobody cares what you think,” you might be saying. And while these observations are on-the-nose, they’re pointless because they don’t change the fact that I hate you.

Also, it’s not just me. There are lots of people all over the world like this. Why? Who knows? The point is we’re out here and we hate you. Maybe not everybody but enough of us where if you say “everybody”, you won’t be entirely wrong. 

We might not live around here. We might not ever even meet you. But we are out here and we all hate you.

I realize this particular validation doesn’t make you feel better but I don’t care, because as I mentioned previously: I hate you. I just thought you should know you’re not paranoid. 

I hate people who aren’t paranoid.

Lemur J. Fitzmuggins III

About Lemur J. Fitzmuggins III

Lemur J. Fitzmuggins III is actually the fourth person in his family to be named Lemur J. Fitzmuggins. His grandfather, who would have been the second, rejected the mantle outright, choosing to be known simply as Trish. Lemur III graduated with a Masters in Pomposity and a Minor in Bombast from Hillsborough Community College. He serves as an Irritant-In-Residence for Tampa News Force.