Florida Sharks Speak Out Against Recent Criticism
A shark, speaking on behalf of all sharks, held a press conference in New Smyrna Beach yesterday to address concerns about shark attacks that seem to be increasing in frequency and intensity lately in Florida.
“First of all, I’d like to thank Governor DeSantis for giving me the opportunity to address this issue,” said the shark, looking back and nodding at the governor who was in attendance to lend support.
“Secondly, I assure you Florida is open for business! The beach is open for business! Don’t worry about us sharks. We’re just doing our shark things. For the most part, we’re too busy to bother you,” said the shark. “Now, did a couple of people get kind of eaten by sharks here last weekend? I don’t know. Maybe? That’s what the media would have you believe, if you trust them. Did it happen? Yeah, probably. Do we know for sure it was sharks? Are we positive it wasn’t a horseshoe crab or a tilapia? I don’t think we can definitively make that judgment. I mean, chances are it was sharks. But who knows for sure? But yeah, it was sharks.”
“At any rate, it wasn’t even that many people, when you really look at how many were out there and how many sharks there are,” the shark continued. “The odds are still way in your favor. Come on out and enjoy the beach! Don’t worry about us sharks; we’re just out here sharkin’ it up. We don’t want to harm you. It’s not like we’re Fringe artists.”
”Personally, I don’t even like eating people. You’re too much work. Why would I deal with all that screaming and thrashing around when I can just eat a horseshoe crab or a tilapia?” it said. “Plus, you’re loaded with fat and toxins.”
“Heck, invoke your 2nd Amendment rights and bring a gun if you want,” the shark added, drawing a huge smile from Governor DeSantis. “We’re unarmed and we welcome you to New Smyrna Beach or whatever beach you want to visit where we, you know, live!”
The shark concluded its remarks without taking any questions from the assembled media, then embraced DeSantis warmly and appeared to try to bite the governor’s neck before being escorted away by security guards.
Asked for comment later, DeSantis beamed with pride and said, “Sharks like me!”
