Arrival of New Old Lady Disrupts Retirement Center Social Scene 

A new resident has checked into the Canterbury Tower retirement center in Tampa and she’s setting the senior living community within abuzz.

Recently widowed Mary Withers exudes a spunky, warm folksy charm that makes her very easy to like and she just moved in yesterday. 

“Great. Who the fuck is this flavor-of-the-month now?”, wondered longtime resident Nancy Claiborne. “Everybody knows that I’m the spunky bitch around here. Right, Clara?”

“No cap, Nancy,” replied her best friend Clara Shlivers, shaking her head. “No cap.”

“I graduated from Michigan State with a degree in education in 1965,” Withers told a separate group of residents who had gathered and were delighted to meet her. 

“And I haven’t smoked a cigarette since 1965,” she said, laughing while summing up her education background and history of bad habits simultaneously.

“Wow, fun facts,” said a clearly annoyed Claiborne. “Also, who gives a shit?”

“Sounds like 1965 was a real banger of a year in Michigan,” chimed in Shlivers.

As the group of new friends started talking about current events, Withers said, “I get a kick out of watching that Snoop Dogg on the Olympics. My, what a scamp he is!” This elicited laughs and agreement from the others. 

Meanwhile, a few feet away, Claiborne said, “Oh, she’s into Snoop? NOW? Where was she when Doggystyle dropped in 1993, with her frontin’ ass?”

“Probably in Michigan, not smoking,” contributed Shlivers while executing a subtle high-five with Claiborne.

”You’re a hoot yourself, Mary,” exclaimed Bill Edgely, to which she replied sweetly, “oh gosh, I’m just tickled pink to have met such sweet neighbors!”

At that point, Withers noticed Claiborne and Shlivers standing off to the side and smiled and waved. The two of them returned the gesture while softly muttering vague, graphically violent threats toward her.

“What’s with those two cunts?”, Withers asked the group.