DeSantis to Personally Investigate Latest Assassination Attempt on Trump

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis will be conducting his own investigation regarding the attempted assassination of former President Trump at the Republican presidential nominee’s golf club in West Palm Beach yesterday.

“Governor DeSantis feels very strongly that this situation requires his immediate and personal attention,” said spokesperson Katie Beatty. “He always gets involved at this level when something happens in Florida that hits the national news cycle and gets a lot of media attention, even if he has to take valuable time away from ignoring things like the cost of living, education and our insurance crisis.”

”Just look at the important work he’s done on behalf of the restrooms at Buc-ee’s,” she pointed out.

“The people deserve the truth about the would be assassin and how he was able to get within 500 yards of the former president and current GOP nominee,” DeSantis announced via a post on X.

“Governor DeSantis is already on the case, applying his excellent sleuthing skills, honed by hours playing the game Hangman,” said Beatty. 

“He recently came across some papers with words printed on them and discovered a device you can look through that make those words appear bigger and thus, easier to read if you know what those words are,” she said. “He believes this device could be of use to him when he gets down there and starts looking for clues, which he hopes will be words that he knows, like ‘woke’ and ‘trans’ and ‘fringe sex festival’.”

“If that turns out to be the case, he’ll have everything wrapped up by Wednesday,” she added.