Tampa Man Doesn’t Leave, Doesn’t Die

Mike Ramsword of Tampa ignored a mandatory evacuation order resultant from Hurricane Milton and successfully survived. 

“Not only am I still alive, I am also not dead,” he proclaimed victoriously after crawling out from debris that used to be his home late Thursday afternoon. “I have been both of those things my entire life and I continue to be so, more than a full day after Jane Castor went on TV and told everyone I was gonna die.”

Castor appeared on CNN Monday as the west coast of Florida braced for impact from what would eventually be a major hurricane while still trying to recover from Hurricane Helene to warn residents in high-risk evacuation zones, “Helene was a wake-up call, this is literally catastrophic and I can say without any dramatization whatsoever: If you choose to stay in one of those evacuation areas, you are going to die.”

”So I guess the government lied to you,” said Ramsword. “Makes you wonder what else they’re lying about. Hmmm…”

“But really, I chose to stay because I don’t like the government telling me what to do with my body, especially a lady government,” he said. “No offense to all the lady governments out there. I just believe that I’m smarter than all of you, that’s all.”

”For what it’s worth, until that last comment, Mayor Castor was glad he didn’t die,” said a spokesperson from the mayor’s office.