Governor’s Office Urges Citizens to Remain Calm as Gas Overage Persists

“There is no fuel shortage right now” – Florida Governor Ron DeSantis

In response to increasingly frequent statewide reports of long lines of people waiting for gasoline and getting into fights over it in the wake of Hurricane Milton, the governor’s office in Tallahassee is urging citizens to remain calm. 

“We have hundreds, no, more like thousands of gallons of gas on hand here in Florida,” said spokesperson Steven Sporkness at a press conference in Tampa earlier today. “We always have and we always will. If anything, there’s too much fuel available and it’s making people crazy.”

Frustrations are high among people who claim to be running out of fuel, with numerous reports of miles-long lines and physical altercations.

“Just because people can’t find it doesn’t mean there’s a shortage. Those people just don’t know where to look,” he said. “The best advice we can offer is to stop searching for it where it isn’t and go to where it is instead. You’ll find plenty of gases there.”

At that point his phone chimed. He looked at it and said, “I’ve just gotten a notification that the Coast Guard, under the command of Governor DeSantis, has successfully sunken an inbound tanker trying to deliver another unnecessary 5 million gallons of gas. God bless the troops. Keep ‘em flying, boys!”

“We currently have a surplus in excess of exactly more than almost precisely thirteenty kabillion metric tons of gas probably here in Florida,” he said. “Get out there. Drive around. Find it. Buy it. Florida is open for business!”

“Also, can anybody give me a ride home? I’m on E,” he added.