Onion Outbids Tampa News Force to Purchase Infowars
Satirical news site The Onion narrowly beat out a bid by satirical news site Tampa News Force (TNF), winning the auction to acquire conspiracy theorist and gelatinous canned-ham impersonator Alex Jones’ Infowars yesterday, which was sold off as part of a defamation settlement after he falsely called the Sandy Hook Elementary School massacre a hoax.
“We thought we had a decent chance until they beat our top offer of $26.38. They must be doing very well over there,” said TNF Auction Purchasing Agent Mary Ellen Glatzch. “We probably could have gone a little higher but didn’t think it was worth it.”
“Today we celebrate a new addition to the Global Tetrahedron LLC family of brands. And let me say, I really do see it as a family. Much like family members, our brands are abstract nodes of wealth, interchangeable assets for their patriarch to absorb and discard according to the opaque whims of the market,” said Bryce P. Tetraeder, CEO of Global Tetrahedron, the Onion’s parent company, announcing the acquisition of the new property. “And just like family members, our brands regard one another with mutual suspicion and malice.”
The Onion’s purchase effort was backed by the families of eight victims of the Sandy Hook school shooting and one first responder. The new iteration is expected to cast a satirical spotlight on the media ecosystem that allows figures like Jones to flourish, according to Onion Ceo Ben Collins.
TNF’s purchase effort was backed by an impromptu collection of pocket change from staff members present at the time. TNF’s plans were to utilize the site in an effort to start producing traditional, legitimate news coverage.
“We saw a repurposing of the brand to be less of a war on information like it’s known for and more of a source of information about wars because we think there’s going to be a lot of those in the near future,” said Glatzch. “We offer nothing but sincere best wishes to The Onion in this new venture.”
The funds raised by TNF for the failed Infowars bid will be directed to the potential acquisition of another auction item…
“We think we also have a pretty good shot at this one,” said Glatzch.
