No-Nonsense Santa Claus Sets Tone at Davis Islands Christmas Party

A man, who gave his name as “Santa Claus” was working a private family Christmas party on Davis Islqnds last night when he noticed bad behavior by a 10-year-old boy and corrected it on the spot.

Tyler Klurd, the boy in question, had seized a battery-operated toy puppy from his four-year-old sister Mamie, a gift she had just received from Santa less than a half hour previously and dangled it over the edge of the family’s swimming pool, threatening to drop it in, much to the anguish of Mamie, who had already named the dog ‘Cheetah’ for some reason. 

“Hey, Sid from Toy Story,” said Santa, to Tyler. “Cool it.”

Incredulous at being addressed in such a fashion by Santa Claus, ostensibly a part-time employee of his mother’s, Tyler froze in place with his mouth open.

“You think I’m playing with you? I assure you I am not playing with you,” said Santa menacingly. “I’m Santa Claus; I’ll withhold your Christmas presents AND knock you out.”

“I will hurt your feelings in front of all these people just to see the expression on your face, son. That thing where your lips start to quiver because you’re trying not to cry? That doesn’t do anything for me but make me hungry and Santa likes to eat,” Santa continued. “I’ll be like, ‘Ho-Ho-Ho’ and you’ll be all, ‘Boo-Hoo-Hoo’.”

At that point, some of the other kids in attendance started to giggle.

”Do you understand that I will end you? I will leave you a greasy little smear right here on the pool deck,”, said Santa. “I’ll make you wish you had run down the inside of your mother’s thigh that Gasparilla night when you were conceived behind the dumpster at MacDinton’s.”

”Okay, I think that’s enough, Santa,” said Tyler’s grandfather.

”You stay out of this, pops. Unless you want everyone here to know about your Google search history,” replied Santa, to which grandpa said “yes sir” and sat down

“If I were you, I’d knock off the bullshit and give her dog back, Junior,” said Santa, which he immediately did before running inside the house.

Asked later if he might have come on a bit too strong, Santa said, “Oh please. Fe, fi, fo, fully, boy, I hate a bully. I hope he develops PTSD because of this and every time he hears ‘Here Comes Santa Claus’ from now on, he pisses himself. Kids need to learn that their actions have consequences before they grow up and it’s too late to learn that behavior.”

“Speaking of which, I have to get going to Matt Gaetz’s house because I want to see his face when he finds out he isn’t getting jack shit this year,” Santa added as he got up to leave.