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A History of Humptiness – The Serving Times

From our friends at The Serving Times

Every city is full of celebrated, storied places, and Tampa, Florida is no different. But with so many significant sites, it’s hard to carve out your own niche to attract the local history buffs. One Burger King franchisee, however, is trying to do just that.

Kevin Howard is a Tampa resident and owner of several Burger King restaurants. Lately though, with wild price increases and economic uncertainty, business has been down. But Howard has an ace up his sleeve.

“People go nuts for local celebrities,” he tells us. “If I could ever get like a Steven Stamkos or a Baker Mayfield in here, I’d be set! While that’ll never happen, I did find out not long ago that one of my Burger Kings was the site of what you’d call a culturally significant event.”

And what, pray tell, would that be?

“Okay, well let me ask you this,” says Howard, “you remember that song The Humpty Dance?”

Here’s your chance to do the dance, to do the hump? That Humpty Dance? Yeah, I think I know The Humpty Dance.

For those of you who aren’t geriatric millennials, The Humpty Dance (1990) is a hip-hop song by rap group Digital Underground from the genre of songs that teach you how to dance to them. We’re not sure what that has to do with a Tampa Burger King though. Unless…. No, you’re not saying that this Burger King is the Burger King that–

“That’s right,” smiles Howard as he points to a short hallway to the right of the counter, “that’s the restroom that Humpty Hump once got busy in!”

Again, for those unfamiliar, the song (which you should really go listen to either way, it’s awesome) contains the following lyrics:

I’m a freak, I like the girls with the boom/

I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom!

Now Howard wouldn’t be the first business owner to exploit places once visited by Tampanian celebrities. (Sorry, Wikipedia says that’s the word for people from Tampa, I don’t know.)

One Applebee’s in South Tampa claims that wrestler turned actor Dave Bautista once got a “handy j” under the table of, what they now call, The Bautista Booth. A Wesley Chapel woman saw a surge in her Instagram engagement when she said she was the recipient of Channing Tatum’s first lapdance. There’s also a man downtown who will tell you the story of how he sold “crank” to Hulk Hogan, that is if you buy him a beer, or, you know, some crank.

But was Kevin Howard’s claim as legit as those? Could his Burger King bathroom really be thee Burger King bathroom in which one of the freaks of the industry totally G’d?

For clarity, we spoke to Merv Drennan of the Tampa Historical Society.

“Humpty Hump,” says Drennan, “was an alter ego of rapper Shock G, real name Gregory Edward Jacobs. It was kind of a whacky persona he’d adopt, as characterized by the Groucho Marx style nose and glasses.”

We asked about his history in Tampa.

“Oh yes,” says Drennan, “Shock G definitely spent his teen years and young adult life in Tampa. He attended Chamberlain High School and later studied musical theory at Hillsborough Community College.”

Could this be the time, we asked, that Shock G got busy in a Burger King bathroom?

“I suppose,” says Drennan, “if that really happened then yes, it would’ve probably been during those years. Wait, is that what this article is about!?”

Drennan, who has apparently already dealt with Kevin Howard and is definitely not a fan, suddenly refuses to answer any more of what he refers to as “childish bathroom questions”. Unfortunately, we never got a chance to ask if Shock really did like his oatmeal lumpy.

Looking for a more reliable source, we also spoke with George Yazpik, who owned the Burger King location in the late eighties and asked if he recalls Shock G ever getting busy in the bathroom.

“I don’t know,” says Yazpik, “somebody sure did. Could’ve been him, you never know.”

Except that Kevin Howard, according to Kevin Howard, knows for certain that it was Shock G who got busy in the bathroom, and he assures us it’s not just to push his “Whopper with Shock Cheese” promotion.

Sadly, as Shock G is no longer with us after his untimely death in 2021, we cannot ask the man himself, but Kevin Howard seems intent on honoring his legacy anyway.

“Those wieners at The Historical Society may have once again denied me my plaque,” says Howard, “so I had one made myself.”

Next to the bathroom is a plaque, and on gold-colored metal mounted to dark stained wood reads these words:

Let it be known at this site on an unknown date that Shock G aka Humpty Hump got busy in this Burger King bathroom, thus inspiring the lyrics of his hit song The Humpty Dance

In Loving Memory of Shock G

Musician, Producer, Tampanian

He Sang on DuDoowutchyalike, in case you missed it, he’s the one who said “Just grab him the biscuits!”

Peace and Humptiness Forever

“I feel like in this way,” says Howard, “that he’ll always be here with us, getting busy in the bathroom of our hearts and memories.”

Matt Starr

About Matt Starr

Matt Starr is a satirist, founder and editor-in-chief of The Pulitzer Prize winning The Serving Times, economist, business visionary, and lyricist. He currently works as a retail merchandiser in Tampa, Florida and has three cats.