Al-Qaeda praises Florida State Representative Jeff Holcomb

Florida State Representative Jeff Holcomb, a Republican representing District 53 in Hernando County and a lieutenant in the US Naval Reserve stated during remarks on the House floor Monday that “… our terrorist enemies hate homosexuals more than we do”.

“Isis, the Taliban, and Al-Qaeda, those are the folks who discriminate. We bombed a building in 2017 like we never usually do. We bombed it because they threw homosexuals off that building. Our terrorist enemies hate homosexuals more than we do. They’re the ones who discriminate.”

– Florida State Representative Jeff Holcomb

This statement has drawn an official response from Al-Qaeda.

“Thank you! Finally!” said a spokesperson speaking anonymously because we didn’t want to take a chance of making up a name that was really offensive and getting ourselves killed. “We are the ones who have been hating the homosexuals far more intensely than Florida Republicans, and for much, much longer too.”

“Although lately I was beginning to doubt that myself,” he added, chuckling.

He went on to elaborate and further express his gratitude.

“I must admit that your Ron DeSantis and his colleagues have really been, as you say, ‘bringing it’. It’s impressive how subtly-yet-effectively they express their utter disdain and disgust for those disdainful and disgusting people for the crime of existing among us. I mean, ‘Don’t Say Gay’? Genius! I’d go so far as to say that we’re fans,” he said. “Still, it’s about time someone spoke up and gave us our due credit and that’s exactly what Florida State Representative Jeff Holcomb has done. And he called us ‘folks’! Aww! What a sweetheart! No homo, obvi.”

“So thank you for speaking on behalf of Al-Qaeda, Florida State Representative Jeff Holcomb. We owe you!” he added.