America Back Together with Toxic Ex
From our friends at The Serving Times
In a move that thrilled some, saddened others, and should surprise no one, America has decisively declared that it would be getting back together with its toxic ex-president.
After once again flirting with the idea of trying things out with a woman for a change, American finds itself back in the arms of a man they had seemingly kicked to the curb for good. While the idea of being with someone younger with better aura was exciting for a time, America’s type has always been power-hungry white men. Why America keeps going back to the type of men who never let them come first is a bit of a mystery.
While it’s not too much of a stretch for America to return to its preferred type, it may seem jarring to see them crawl back into a relationship that some see as codependent. The country’s ex was so possessive in fact that he threw a whole insurrection over their last breakup, refusing to accept America’s decision.
Perhaps America believes that he’s totally changed now and the naysayers just don’t understand what it’s like when they’re alone together. You’ve seen the way he hugs that flag, maybe he does really care.
Some however see America’s willingness to welcome their ex back into their life as a sign that America is afraid to move on, that they’re romanticizing a past that maybe wasn’t as great as their ex is leading them to believe. The result of course is America being with a president who enables their worst impulses and holds them back from any meaningful growth as a country.
True, compared to America’s current beau, anyone might seem exciting, even a misogynistic, manipulative ex. America’s friends have tried to warn them, saying things like “He’s no good for you”, “Nobody likes the way you are when you’re with him”, and “He’s just going to cheat on you with Russia again”.
America could possibly justify their decision to return to their ex by pointing out that their only other choice was a bubbly wine-mom with a nasty habit of supporting genocide and upholding the status quo. This may have made the old, orange-faced tyrant with a subjugation fetish seem like a safer, familiar choice.
Clearly, the problem may be the system that only leaves a lonely America two choices rather than an entire pool of candidates, some who would be more than willing to treat America like the fine ass country it is. Perhaps being with a more progressive candidate could spice things up for America in the policy department, maybe even engaging in a little socialism play. While the thought may intrigue America on those sleepless nights they have nonetheless made the choice to stick with the same old, boring missionary policy it’s come accustomed to.
But until America realizes it’ll never get the treatment it deserves from their toxic, narcissistic ex, progressives will be on the sidelines like so much Duckie, watching and waiting for America to come to its senses and realize that the right one for them was there the whole time, and if America could simply stop playing footsie with a despot they might take notice and give them a chance.
