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AT&T Assures Tampa Bay Area Customers That Data Breach Not a Big Deal

AT&T announced on Saturday it is investigating a data breach involving the personal information of more than 70 million current and former customers leaked on the dark web. However, a spokesperson with the company’s local office wants people to know the situation is not as severe as it might sound.

“Okay, first: we’re talking  7.6 million current account holders and 65.4 million former account holders who have been impacted, but that’s worldwide,” said Marcy Snotz, public relations manager for the Tampa Bay Area AT&T office and the mother of a precocious 15-year-old son named Ethan who is a student at Tampa Bay Technical High School. “While that sounds like a scary number, there are only about 3 million people who live here in the Tampa Bay Area.”

“Yes, technically that means it could conceivably negatively impact every man, woman and child in the area multiple times, but since some of you are Verizon customers, probably not,” chuckled the accomplished professional who is very proud that Ethan is doing extremely well in his school’s advanced computer sciences program.

“Plus, keep in mind that some athletes make $70 million a year and that the average cell phone is covered with approximately 25,127 bacteria per square inch, which is more than what you’ll find on your toilet seat, believe it or not,” she said, trying to forget that Ethan has been spending lots of late nights alone, locked in his bedroom, since she divorced his father Ted earlier this year. “If you think about it, 70 million is a lot but also not really that much. It’s kind of a relative thing. I’m just saying don’t fixate on the numbers, okay?”

She went on to say that AT&T has launched a robust investigation supported by internal and external cybersecurity experts, an investigation that will definitely include Ethan, who she insists is a good kid that would never hurt anyone but has just been dealing with some tough circumstances lately, just as soon as she gets home from work tonight if she can somehow convince him to let her into his bedroom and that it would be nice if Ted could pry himself away from that whore who is half his age long enough to take an interest in their son, for the love of God.

Clark Brooks

About Clark Brooks

Senior Supreme Executive Premium Content Editor for Tampa News Force. Comedian, writer and ordained minister. Twitter: @ClarkBrooks | Instagram:@ClarkBrooks54

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