DeSantis Designates Authorized Hurricane Landfall Point in Florida

As Florida braces for the slight but still possible threat of yet another tropical storm this week, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis’ office has enacted legislation designed to keep Florida residents safe. 

“From now on, all tropical storms, to include cyclones, hurricanes, tsunamis and others, will be legally required to only make landfall in the Big Bend region, which stretches from the eastern side of the Apalachicola River to the western side of the Steinhatchee River,” said official spokesperson Fran Stancisco.

“We’re never going to be able to eliminate hurricanes, not anymore with the climate… erm, adapting: not changing because there’s no such thing… but we can certainly regulate them,” she said. 

The region was chosen for two key reasons; one being that there seems to be a proclivity for storms striking there and the other being that it’s sparsely populated. 

“We were able to determine that there are actually very few registered Republicans living there. So who gives a shit,” she said. 

“As you might expect, a great deal of thought and planning has been put into this and the punishment for violating the new statute will be a very hefty fine,” she said. “Like, $500. Every time. That’s a lot, right? Yeah, so don’t do it.”

Failure to comply with the new law will be considered a petty misdemeanor and the fines for each infraction will be levied against the entity that issues the storm, which would presumably be God. 

“Of course God is always welcome here in Florida, whether He’s in our schools or conducting business but He needs to follow the law just like everybody else,” she said.