Details Emerging from Unreleased Gaetz Report

Following the House Ethics Committee’s decision to not release its report on the conduct of former Florida congressman and former candidate for U.S. Attorney General Matt Gaetz, disturbing details are still coming to light about specific allegations.

Among the claims being made by witnesses who testified to the committee is that Gaetz inquired in text messages about the availability of “party favors” and “vitamins” at upcoming parties, which was understood to be code for drugs.

“That’s absurd. Once again, the woke mob is trying to read something sinister into a perfectly innocent thing that can simply be taken at face value,” said Rafael Pweetz, a 17-year-old part-time employee of Mattztravaganza, an entertainment company owned and operated by Gaetz. “‘Party favors’ are just items supplied to party guests to make an experience more fun. Noise makers, pointy hats, those things that roll out and squeak when you blow into them, a pile of cocaine, a black rubber, 13’ double-headed dildo. You know, standard stuff you’d find at any party!”

Witnesses also allege that Gaetz paid women for sex via Venmo.

“Okay, Venmo is a mobile payment app that allows users to pay for goods and services remotely and is easier to use than CashApp or Zelle. Is my legal guardian, I mean my boss, supposed to be punished for being efficient? Just more slanderous vitriol from the left,” he said. “This is a great company to work for and we have a lot of fun! Just look at our Yelp reviews!”