Federal Government May Shut Down Gulfport Vegan Restaurant

Tuberville, a popular vegan eatery in Gulfport, is facing a serious challenge and may be forced to close depending on the findings of a government committee.

“This is all we got,” said owner Valerie Spudser. “If they take away our vegan classification, we’re stone fucked.”

Tuberville is a restaurant that serves potatoes exclusively. But nutrition experts disagree on whether potatoes count toward vegetable intake because they’re high in carbohydrates, which could cause blood sugar spikes. There’s speculation that potatoes may be reclassified as a grain in the upcoming Dietary Guidelines for Americans 2025–2030 by the Dietary Guidelines Advisory Committee, which is a real thing. 

“A grain? Potatoes aren’t a grain,” said Spudser. “Have you ever heard of a grainian or anybody simply following a grainian diet? Potatoes are good for you; they’re packed with enzymes and phosphates and shit.”

While Tuberville is a busy restaurant, it’s unclear how devoted its customers are and how they’ll react to a possible change. We witnessed this exchange between Spudser and a customer while we were there. 

SPUDSER: Do you need a menu or are you ready to place an order.
CUSTOMER: Why do I need a menu? Or to place an order? You only serve one thing.
SPUDSER: You’re this close to getting thrown outta here, buddy boy. The time I waste on you is time I can’t spend serving someone else.
CUSTOMER: What do you mean, ‘serving’? All you do is put raw potatoes on a plate.
SPUDSER: That’s it, you’re done. Get outta here. Go somewhere else.
CUSTOMER: There IS no somewhere else that serves whole raw potatoes!
SPUDSER: You shoulda thought of that before you popped off.

Upon leaving, the customer told us, “I come here twice a week. I hate it. It’s my favorite place.”