Florida cops raid adult grooming show
A Florida State Police riot squad broke up an adult live performance featuring male strippers being staged at the Sleepy Oaks Retirement and Assisted Living Facility for a resident’s birthday party in Temple Terrace yesterday.
Emma Spiddles was celebrating her 97th birthday when officers entered by breaking windows in the facility’s activity center, knocking over a card table with a half-finished jigsaw puzzle on it in the process.
“The front door was unlocked”, said the home’s activities director Suzanne Bluffert. “What the hell!”
“People are going to learn that we are taking these attempts at sexually grooming impressionable minds seriously and we are going to follow the letter of Governor DeSantis’ new laws and do whatever is necessary to shut them down”, said Police Captain Larry Doberman. “Sure, there weren’t any legally defined kids there. But old people are so pure and innocent, they’re very much like children and need to be protected whether anybody likes or needs it or not.”
“When I think of my own sweet nana being exposed to filth like this, it makes me want to break some fruit’s fibula”, he added. “Old people doing sexual stuff is gross; I don’t get the appeal. They’re not hot, like little kids are.”
The original plan was for residents at the home to celebrate the occasion by boarding the facility’s bus and attending a matinee performance of “The Tipsy Septuagenarian” at the nearby Golden Radish Dinner Theatre but that plan was scrapped when residents complained that on a previous outing, the establishment’s mashed potatoes were “too damn spicey”.
Instead, it was decided to hire a couple of male dancers from Craigslist to entertain at the home itself. The strippers had gotten down to their briefs when the raid occurred and ended the illicit performance. Dancers Bruce B. GoesDown and Courtney Hambell somehow suffered broken fibulas while being apprehended. They are both currently being held without bond and awaiting execution in the Hillsborough County Jail, which will be followed by a jury trial.
“Thank God we arrived in time. Not a lot of strip shows take place on a Tuesday afternoon at 4pm so it worked out; my guys were all home in time for dinner”, said Captain Doberman. “The important thing is that we got those perverts out of there before all those sweet, innocent senior citizens could have their virtues corrupted.”
Ms. Spiddles said, “It was just getting good; the white one had an ass that looked like it could break bricks and I really wanted to get a good long look at exactly what the black one was packing because I’ve heard the rumors. But instead, these peckerheads busted in and fucked it all up.”
“What a horseshit birthday.”
